A little break

[muckefuck]

In my head, there's a whimsical, chatty post about the last six days or so. I've been composing basically from the moment I left my house last Monday evening--listening for droll quotes, recasting descriptions, embroidering incidents, and so on and so forth. Last night, I was too tired to write out this entry, so I thought I'd get it done today. But that's not how it turned out.

monshu has an invisible switch. All it takes to throw is a few idle words, and you will never know in advance what words these will be. You only find out after they've been spoken and he instantly changes from the kindest, sweetest, cheeriest, most thoughtful person into the world into a mute taciturn troll who doesn't give a fig for anyone. This morning, while fixing oatmeal, his switch got tripped and he stormed off to the computer room. We basically didn't say a word to each for the next five hours.

For the first couple of these, I sat at the computer and seethed. I wanted to catch up on LiveJournal, but I was too distracted from the script in my head which had itself switched over from bons mots concerning my family's foibles to all the hurtful things I would say to my boyfriend if he were here in front of me and the first-one-who-speaks-loses hadn't been in effect. Fortunately, he had toddled off to bed at this point.

As it grew closer to 2 p.m., I realised two things: (1) he showed no signs of getting up from his nap and (2) there was nothing for lunch in the house. So I washed up, got dressed, and headed off to El Chorrito for a sandwich. Already as I strode through the cold still air, I could feel my mood lightening. By the time I was sipping my chocolate ("No hay champurrado hoy.") and listening to the tongue-in-cheek tongue-lashing the waitress was giving a smart-alecky customer, the inglorious moment of anti-argument was a fading memory.

I asked for directions to the nearest pharmacy, hoping there's be one closer than the Walgreens up at Howard Street, but that was the only one they knew about. So I began walking, thinking I'd catch a bus at some point. But I'd hardly reached Lunt when I decided instead to head east and try my luck on Sheridan instead, in the process giving myself a little retail therapy at The Armadillo's Pillow, my local used bookstore that I'd never been in. By now, my spirit was singing; it felt good to be out on the streets alone in a part of the city I knew but not well, charming little surprises (a cornice here, a new pub there) around every corner.

Tomorrow, after we've both had a night to sleep on it, I'll sit down monshu and see if we can't find some way to avoid these nasty little fallings-out. But for now, I'll collapse into the bed he's warmed with one of my newly-purchased books to peruse and contemplate the marvel of freedom, love, and leisure that is my life.

Comments

[gorkabear.livejournal.com]

I'm maybe adventuring too much, but maybe the taciturn phase needs to be lived through with no much fuss about it. Ask him. I do have that switch too, and although in my case it can be overturned with simple humor, sometimes it's better to let me in my own devices for a few hours.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

I do plan to ask. I know that he needs time alone, and I don't have a problem giving it to him. But there's simply nothing I hate more than getting the silent treatment. In my passive-aggressive childhood, this was always the worst reaction imaginable and so it still makes me absolutely furious even when I know it's not someone's intent.

[gorkabear.livejournal.com]

Yes...
But if it's like I'm guessing, don't take it personally. A stupid example that happened to me this weekend: My mother has a new boyfriend and he came on Sunday afternoon to visit her. Both my brother and I left her house once the film we were watching together on TV finished. Our intention was simply letting them being alone, yet he felt we didn't want to speak with him. He took personally something that wasn't meant to be. My mother explained that to him on the phone and he hasn't understood that yet.

Keep us updated! :)

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

I've tried for ten years not to take it personally, and it's just not the way I'm wired. What I want to find out is if there's some way for him to communicate in advance that he's approaching the point of no return so that we can either prevent it or (more likely) at least deal with it civilly.

Let me give you an example: My family were yellers, so it wasn't unusual to scream at someone when they'd upset you. As I got older, I realised how much I hated this behaviour, but of course I'd been trained in it since an early age. All the same, there are ways to spare people's feelings. Once bunj was making a copy of a mix tape I had and accidentally taped over part of the first track on my copy. He was so responsible about this--telling me as soon as it happened and offering to buy a copy of the album the song was from (not a trivial offer given his budget at the time)--that I didn't want to make him feel any worse than he already did. But I was still mad that something I valued had been damaged.

So I told him calmly, "I'm about to get mad. Don't take it personally." I then spent half a minute hopping around the room and cursing and, when that was over and I had it out of my system, I told him he didn't need to worry about replacing the album. So even though I got mad, he didn't feel victimised. (At least, that was my impression; I'm not sure how he remembers the incident.) That's all I really want: Go and be by yourself if that's what you need to do, but just make it clear beforehand that you're not doing it to punish me.

[innerdoggie.livejournal.com]

Oh dear! Hope things are better at home now.

I think I do that when I'm really angry and afraid of yelling and screaming and saying inappropriate things. You wisely point out that the silences could be worse than the yelling and screaming and saying mean things. Would it help if he announced "I am angry and I need to be alone now?" He might not even be angry with you, but with something/somebody else.

The other case when I've done the "silent treatment", and I can't see how it would apply here, is when I give up on talking to somebody because it's useless to argue with them, because they'll deny saying or doing things that they did and I know they did/said because I was there. This isn't when people are just forgetful (heck, my memory sux, and I don't remember stuff I've said), but when they deny with absolute vehemence. "I NEVER SAID THAT! I'D NEVER IN MY LIFE SAY THAT". Either they are liars of the worst sort, or they are forgetful to the point of Alzheimers. In neither case does it pay to argue.

But I suppose if this ever comes up again, I should tell the person what is going on, that I am giving up on them, so they will know.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

That's certainly part of it; there are things which, once said, can never be unsaid, and I'm very happy that I never actually came out with half of the vicious, hurtful things that popped into my mind when I was really furious with someone. On the other hand, silence is hurtful, too, and that needs to be acknowledged, even if it's only a refuge and not meant as an attack. The problem is that I hate those moods of his so much that I carefully avoid any topic I think might spark one of them--and then things don't get communicated between us that really need to be.

[caprinus.livejournal.com]

Your follow-up post makes it sound like you've talked and approached resolution already, but I just wanted to throw in my observation that it really is near impossible to predict for me and mine when an argument is about to start. Like an earthquake, it's an accumulation of small stresses; when my last nerve is finally gotten on, and the mood fractures and shifts into something mean, it's a surprise to me, in retrospect, though it also has a feeling of inevitability; and the precipitating events are almost always silly -- what kind of salt to use at the table, or whether there's time to shave before going out.

What I concentrate on is getting out of the other person's way or letting them escape, and just physically separating until the adrenaline has worn off. Of course for some people this registers as an inability or unwillingness to communicate, or, worse, "the silent treatment", so it's important this tactic is introduced before it needs to be used, if possible :)