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[muckefuck]

So I'm attempting something newish here: I'm resetting the default expectations for my relationships to zero. I don't mean I'm going complete tabula rasa--I still expect people to remember a few things about our shared history and my personal preferences--but I'm trying to get out of the mindset of "They should know better than to treat me this way". Because it isn't healthy and it isn't getting me anywhere.

Unfortunately, that means I'll most likely have to follow through with not going home for Christmas this year. It could end up being a terrible decision, but I'm feeling increasingly like it's a positive one. Does that seem contradictory? I mean "positive" in the sense of "active". Going home is lazy. It's just what I've always done. I take pride in the fact that in the nearly thirty years since I went away to college, I've only missed Christmas with the family once, when I was in Germany.

But what if that's not unalloyed cause for pride? This whole last year I've been on autopilot, making the minimal changes necessary to adjust to the post-Monshu reality. That's not enough. The question is how to challenge myself to do more without getting overwhelmed. One simple way to do that is to take responsibility for my own emotional well-being. There's only so much other people can do to help with that; I've been banging into the limits of it for months now and it's giving me a headache.

The family is not going to understand this. I mean, if they grokked my situation, we wouldn't be here, right? I regret that, I'll do my best to understand, but they'll be hurt and disappointed. Let them. I'm not the only one who needs to do some growing right now.

Comments

[bitterlawngnome]

Is it mostly that they don't understand what losing a spouse means? Or ... ? I'm not entirely clear on your reasons.

[muckefuck]

I don't think I explained them particularly well.

A big theme of my conversation with my sister was that she was expecting too much of me by demanding a lot of emotional support for her decision to be so deeply involved in my father's care when that was stirring very painful memories of Monshu's decline. And then it occurred to me to turn that around on myself and ask: Was I expecting too much of them?

And I think the answer is "yes". She made the point that most of the family hasn't interacted much with Monshu, plus he never visited for holidays, so of course they don't think of him around Christmas and they aren't going to be proactive about comforting me. So if what I want this year is to be around people who do remember him and will be willing to focus on my struggle to deal with his absence, it won't be them. It's a painful admission, but it's true.

It does ultimately come down to not understanding what it means to lose a spouse. When I tried explaining to my sister, all she could hear was my anger. When we got past that, she tried to find excuses, even going so far as to fault the Old Man for not spending more time with them. That made me stop and think.

Being home for Christmas won't help me process the loss of Monshu. It will help me escape it, like my last trip home to St Louis did. I'm not satisfied with that. I want to save the escape for another time. Right now I want to see if I can plunge into my grief and come out the other side.

[lcohen]

all that makes a lot of sense. especially not being around people who can't understand what you're going through because then you have to spend so much time managing their feelings instead of your own.

[muckefuck]

I don't think I was prepared for how much you have to do that when you're widowed. Literally from the very beginning of the relationship, I began thinking about what it would be like to survive Monshu, thoughts which became increasingly concrete over the years. (He'd beaten cancer once already in 2009.) But so many people I meet are scared even to countenance such a reality. Expressing sympathy gives voice to their fears and I end up more the counselor than the consoled.

[bitterlawngnome]

I understand that line of thinking. I do wonder if xmas is the right time to do it? But of course only you know that answer.

[muckefuck]

I don't actually. All I know is how I feel. Initially, both the thought of going down for Christmas and the thought of staying in Chicago made me feel upset. Then I examined those feelings a little more and began to see how they were different. The former was a dread of being treated as poorly this year as I was last year; the latter started out as fear of being alone but became tinged with excitement as I thought more about the possibilities it opened up and less about the known pleasures I was foregoing.

As I said, it could end up being a terrible decision. But worst likely scenario, I'll have learned something about myself that will allow me to make a better decision next time. (I'll be planning to get together with friends, which should serve to arrest any downward emotional spiraling.)