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[muckefuck]

So I'm attempting something newish here: I'm resetting the default expectations for my relationships to zero. I don't mean I'm going complete tabula rasa--I still expect people to remember a few things about our shared history and my personal preferences--but I'm trying to get out of the mindset of "They should know better than to treat me this way". Because it isn't healthy and it isn't getting me anywhere.

Unfortunately, that means I'll most likely have to follow through with not going home for Christmas this year. It could end up being a terrible decision, but I'm feeling increasingly like it's a positive one. Does that seem contradictory? I mean "positive" in the sense of "active". Going home is lazy. It's just what I've always done. I take pride in the fact that in the nearly thirty years since I went away to college, I've only missed Christmas with the family once, when I was in Germany.

But what if that's not unalloyed cause for pride? This whole last year I've been on autopilot, making the minimal changes necessary to adjust to the post-Monshu reality. That's not enough. The question is how to challenge myself to do more without getting overwhelmed. One simple way to do that is to take responsibility for my own emotional well-being. There's only so much other people can do to help with that; I've been banging into the limits of it for months now and it's giving me a headache.

The family is not going to understand this. I mean, if they grokked my situation, we wouldn't be here, right? I regret that, I'll do my best to understand, but they'll be hurt and disappointed. Let them. I'm not the only one who needs to do some growing right now.

Comments

[bitterlawngnome]

I understand that line of thinking. I do wonder if xmas is the right time to do it? But of course only you know that answer.

[muckefuck]

I don't actually. All I know is how I feel. Initially, both the thought of going down for Christmas and the thought of staying in Chicago made me feel upset. Then I examined those feelings a little more and began to see how they were different. The former was a dread of being treated as poorly this year as I was last year; the latter started out as fear of being alone but became tinged with excitement as I thought more about the possibilities it opened up and less about the known pleasures I was foregoing.

As I said, it could end up being a terrible decision. But worst likely scenario, I'll have learned something about myself that will allow me to make a better decision next time. (I'll be planning to get together with friends, which should serve to arrest any downward emotional spiraling.)