Family wedding dilemma

[muckefuck]

Yesterday, a slim personal note slipped in with the typical circulars and credit card solicitations in my mailbox. Since I never learned the surname of my stepbrother's fiancée, I was at first mystified. The note looked too humble to be a wedding invite in any case.

But that's what it is and it's left me in a bind. We've known for almost a year that they were planning to get married in California this summer and Monshu and I had started planning a vacation around it. Silly me, I had just assumed he would be invited. I've been with him almost four years and the three of them seemed to get along well during the family vacation last year. But his name wasn't on the envelope.

Strictly speaking, of course, this means he isn't invited. However, plenty of couples use formulations like "and guest" to avoid having to go through the trouble of learning who everyone's s.o.'s are. They didn't. So now I'm left with the equally unflattering conclusions that either (1) my stepmom's family is ignorant of wedding etiquette or (2) he's been deliberately omitted. That's their prerogative, of course. But I would like to think they know me well enough to know that it pisses me off--and that they like me enough that they wouldn't do that if they could avoid it. I don't want to get all shirty if this was a simple mistake or a difficult choice for them.

Of course, there's no easy way to find out. There's no polite, non-confrontational way to say, "Did you mean not to invite my boyfriend?"--especially given that chances are Monshu wouldn't even come if he were invited, since family events just aren't his thing. So I'm stuck having to find some delicate, indirect line of inquiry to avoid provoking the kind of pointless family squabble that weddings always seem to. Bleagh. And I was so looking forward to this one.

Comments

The Jerry Seinfeld way

[kayiwa.livejournal.com]

[it involves lying] You can do what my best friend did.

You: So Monshu is going on this Vegan kick and I was wondering if the Reception will be accomodating to him
Them: uncomfortable silence [he is not invited]

Re: The Jerry Seinfeld way

[mollpeartree.livejournal.com]

Clever! Of course then Monshu is at risk of actually getting a vegan meal if he is then invited.

You could also maybe call her up and say you're having trouble deciding whether or not to attend, because you had been planning to spend time with Monshu on vacation at that time. Then she can either invite him along, or not.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

I could do a variation of this, however. He does keep vegetarian on Upasatha days, which fall once a month (near but not necessarily on the full moon).

But it's still presumptuous. I don't want to be boorish or put them in the uncomfortable position over the phone. I just want to know what their intent was, since it will colour how I act toward them--such as whether I show up to bless their monogamous union when they apparently don't even recognise mine.

Re: The Jerry Seinfeld way

[lhn.livejournal.com]

That creates the same kind of problem, though. While excluding someone's long-term SO from a wedding isn't nice, presuming an invitation like that is rude. If muckefuck wanted to go that route, he could just write Monshu's name on the response card and avoid the in-person confrontation entirely.

Assuming we're going the passive-aggressive intrigue route, though: muckefuck, is it possible to get an intermediary to enquire in a way that it looks like a request for information by a comparatively uninterested party? That creates the opportunity to jog them into remembering/figuring out that they should have invited Monshu (in which case they can call and "clarify"), or failing that to at least figure out what they're thinking on the subject, if anything. (At which point you can decide whether to call and ask the same questions directly, and how to approach the subject if so.)

Re: The Jerry Seinfeld way

[kayiwa.livejournal.com]

That is still the jerry Seinfeld way... Jerry asked Elaine to inquire. :-) I realized I know too much about this show.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

One of the other odd things about the wedding is that there was no response card. Does that mean that I'm invited to the wedding but not the reception? I can't tell.

My stepmom is coming to town next month or so specifically to dine with me and Monshu. I'm hoping she'll ask about our plans for the wedding so that I can let drop with unaffected casualness news of the apparent slight. Of course, if she already knows, she won't bring up the subject at all--unless it's to apologise for her son.

Part of me hates this kind of runaround and part of me is just impressed enough with my devious ability to handle it to get some kick out of dealing with it.

[bunj.livejournal.com]

My impression, since said missive was a laser-printed piece of paper, was that this was not, in fact, the bonafide invitation. This was just something to inform people, and to let them make hotel reservations. I'm sure the official invitations will be sent out around two months ahead of the event, as is traditional. Whether Monshu or "and Guest" will be included on said invitation remains to be seen. I'd be happy to be your Elaine in this matter and start asking nosy questions.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

That clears up a lot of confusion, thanks. I've never gotten something like that before, so I wasn't sure what to make of it. I'd rather get the nosy questions out of the way now, before Monshu and I have to make plans, but we should have our opportunity soon.

One question though: How was yours addressed? To you and your wife individually? To "Mr & Mrs Bunji"? Only to you?

Re:

[bunj.livejournal.com]

I'd have to check, but I believe it was addressed to "Mr. bunj B--- and Ms. -e A----" (if you can decode my clever answer). That's why I'd still check to see if Monshu is invited. It could simply be because you don't live together.

sin of omission

[(Anonymous)]

Actually, it was more of a "save the date" notice that is typically sent out to out-of-town guests about 6 months before the wedding to assist in making travel plans. (See you really should read more of the Ms. Manners books). I actually would not be surprised if Monshu received his own note. Ours was addressed to Mr BB and Ms EA (Yay - someone finally remembers I have my own name!).

-e

Re: sin of omission

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

If he did, I will feel like such a drama queen!

And it's true, I should read more Miss Manners, if purely for selfish reasons of enjoyment. It's just hard for me to feel like tackling the wedding book when I know I'll never be having one.

Re: sin of omission

[mollpeartree.livejournal.com]

If I recall correctly, Miss Manners doesn't believe in "and guest" or response cards in wedding invitations; the inviter is supposed to be able to take the trouble to find out the names of s.o.'s, while the invitee is supposed to be able to write an R.S.V.P. letter. (Or at least she didn't in her wedding etiquette book published back in the 80's. Possibly she has softened her stance since these customs are now completely ingrained.)

Re: sin of omission

[(Anonymous)]

Nope - Ms. Manners still thinks response cards are for wimps and that "and guest" is the tool of a lazy bride. I had several people tell me to just send their invitation to my wedding with "and guest" instead of addressing an invitation to their so, even though, if I am inviting you to my wedding, it makes sense that I know your last name...

-e

[prilicla.livejournal.com]

I admit, I can't think of a non-confrontational way to ask, "Why the hell didn't you invite my boyfriend?" I agree with lhn that an intermediary of some sort is your best bet, if you can find one. I really hope it was just a dumb mistake, because I can't think of another explanation that isn't insulting to both of you.

However, plenty of couples use formulations like "and guest" to avoid having to go through the trouble of learning who everyone's s.o.'s are.

One of my cousins got married the year before we did, and lhn was "And Guest" on the invitation. This didn't bother me too much, since we had been dating for less than a year at the time. However, my sister's invitation was addressed to (and I am not making this up) "Miss C--- and Fiance". This wasn't some quickie engagement, either--they had been going together for years and were just waiting until my (now) brother-in-law finished medical school to get married. My aunt had met him literally dozens of times!

Luckily, G. just thought it was funny. He pointed out that if my aunts were allowed to follow their natural inclinations, all of the people who had married into the family, including their own spouses, would be referred to on all invitations as "And Husband" or "And Wife". (My mom has seven brothers and sisters, and the family is just a little clannish.)

[welcomerain.livejournal.com]

If they've got a problem with you bringing Monshu -- that's THEIR problem. Just call and ask. If they decided they didn't want you to bring your boyfriend, it's THEM being boorish, not you. If I were seeing someone long-term and got invited to a wedding, and I KNEW they knew my SO, and my SO wasn't included on the invite, I would just ask politely if I could bring my SO. It's possible that whoever did the invitations got names/partners screwed up, speaking from experience...

[rollick.livejournal.com]

I don't see anything particularly wrong with "Oh, the invite didn't include the usual 'and guest' space, or a response card. Would there be a problem with me bringing a guest? How should I let them know? Or are they just assuming I will be bringing someone?"

The trick is to be curious and mean it, instead of spiteful or angry or resentful. It's just a simple question.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

There are no simple questions, rollick, only simpletons.

Obviously, things would be much different if our blended family had ever really gelled. But my father remarried late, after all his kids and hers were more or less out of the house, and we've never quite figured out what our obligations are to each other. We've gone back and forth on mundane things like Christmas gifts (though I think we've finally settled on a policy of non-exchanging).

But you're right on the best approach. Given what bunj has just explained about the card, the guileless question, "Should I be making reservations for one person or two?" might work fine.