"Can I buy you a drink?"

[muckefuck]

What is the appropriate reaction when a complete stranger buys you a drink in a bar?

This has never happened to me, but I've done it to other people three times in my life so far and attempted a fourth. The first two times were very positive. Both times, I saw some nice-looking guy drinking alone at Big Chicks and told the bartender that his next drink was on me. Both times, the guy caught my eye and nodded thanks, then came up to me a bit later and chatted. (One guy was the buddy I call "the Scoutmaster"; we've been friends ever since. The other was some doofy kid named Dylan. We didn't talk much--I think monshu's "distant but cuddly" demeanour might've been too much for him--and I haven't seen him there since.)

So I did this again at Sidetrack on the last day of Bear Pride. I mentioned to ottr4bear how gorgeous I found this one gentleman across the way and he told me that the two of them had chatted while standing in line outside and he seemed genial enough. So I told our gem of a bartender to get him a refill on me. The bartender pointed me out and the man looked in my direction, but didn't make eye contact. Later, I tried to catch his eye again, but he not only didn't look at me, he actually moved so he wasn't sitting across from me any more.

Something similar happened at Big Chicks Friday night during the ball game. monshu, bunj, and e. had all left, so it was just me and my soda alone at the table. At some point, an extremely cute bear wandered over and took up a position a few feet in front of me, directly under the television. When I saw that he had almost finished his drink, I leaned forward and asked him, "Ready for another." "No, I'm okay for now," he replied, a little flustered. "It's just that I'm--" and then he fled. I mean he took his bottle and rushed away to the other side of the room. I didn't see him for the rest of the night.

There seems to be something here about bar etiquette that I'm not quite groking.

Edit: I wonder if I shouldn't've have left out the incidents entirely or saved them for a follow-up post, since I notice almost no one (except qwrrty--I am totally using that line next time I have a chance!) has actually answered the question I asked. I'm not looking for sympathy on my part or empathy regarding others. I just want to know what the etiquette is in situations like these. Can buying a stranger a drink be a friendly gesture or is it always interpreted as a wanna-fuck? Is it impolite to refuse a drink? What is the obligation of the one on the receiving end? I'd really like to know these things lest I put another person I don't know into an uncomfortable position.

Comments

[owenthomas.livejournal.com]

Or he might just be painfully shy.

[trom.livejournal.com]

Sounds like shy to me as well...

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

In both cases or just the second? ottr4bear is rather shy himself, so I doubt he initiated the chat in the line outside Sidetrack. Moreover, after the gentleman moved away from the bar, he found two acquaintances and chatted with them for quite some time. I wouldn't call this behaviour typical of the "painfully shy".

[trom.livejournal.com]

I was thinking just the later. As for etiquette, I think buying a stranger a drink can be a friendly gesture, especially if you've been chatting for awhile. If someone I've never even talked to were to buy me a drink, I'd assume they were at least making enough of a pass at me to find out if they were more interested and I tend to be completely oblivious to these sorts of things.

ALL OF THE ABOVE AND...

[darkphuque.livejournal.com]

Maybe he just broke up with his boy friend, or maybe he was depressed and wanted to be left alone. I know you are a good looking man, but maybe his taste is different from mine.

Your etiquette is just fine....

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

I can see that as a possible explanation for the second case. It seems like maybe he wasn't expecting anyone to approach him and was unsure what to do when someone did. But what about the first case? If what you want is to be left alone, wouldn't it make more sense to tell the bartender "Thanks but no thanks" rather than accepting the drink?

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

My favorite response to this came from a trailer I saw once for some schlocky-looking Richard Dreyfuss movie:

"Can I buy you a drink?"
"I guess so. I'm on the pill."

I highly recommend that you adopt this answer.

I ain't gonna be as forgiving as these other boys...

[twnchicago.livejournal.com]

It's not you.

They were socially stunted freaks.

Re: I ain't gonna be as forgiving as these other boys...

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

Seconded.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

So what is the reaction you would expect from a socially robust average guy?

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

I think there's just too much hand-wringing over the whole thing. IF I want another drink, I will accept a drink from someone, but I don't believe that confers any obligation. If I don't want another drink, then a smile and "no thank you." are sufficient.

On the other side, I don't recall ever having bought a drink for a stranger, but if I did so, it would be because I liked his/her face, and I would not expect my doing so to imply ANYTHING.

Short version: whether giver or receiver, be gracious.

[gopower.livejournal.com]

Coming from the socially-stunted camp, I'd say that:

1. Yes, buying a stranger a drink is a de facto proposition, or at least a statement of interest in same. Really, what else could a completely unprovoked gift to a total stranger be, especially in the at least somewhat sexually-charged environment of a bar? Has there ever been a drink-buying scene in a movie that was not some kind of pick-up line (totally straight same-sex encounters aside)? A friendly gesture is going up to him and saying hello and, well, being friendly. At some point after a few friendly exchanges, a platonic drink may be offered.

Of course, depending on the bar, body language and degree of social stuntedness, that might be perceived as an advance too.

2. It's not impolite to refuse a drink, if done politely. In fact, it's probably impolite to accept unless you are open to at least consider such a proposition (see #1). If interested in a friendly encounter, the proper thing to do would be to refuse the drink, thank the offerer in person and see if it develops into a conversation or a pick up. If the latter, you are positioned for a graceful exit (among other things, you won't have a drink to finish...)

Alas, I've never had opportunity to test the theory.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

So, in other words, I'm the social retard for leaping right to a drink transaction instead of initiating a conversation. The ironic thing is that I can't think of an opening line that doesn't sound like some sort of cheesy come-on.

nah- yer all right

[arkanjil.livejournal.com]

a little old school, maybe, but some people find that charming. Me, I fluster easily (as you may remember); the trick is to be graceful in catching those who fall over thier awkwardcness

[his-regard.livejournal.com]

I'd say that the two appropriate responses -- provided the bartender/waitstaff is used as an intercessor -- are a) a polite decline, or b) acceptance and some degree of direct acknowledgement and thanks conveyed in return. The latter allows for an opening for conversation, but does not convey a requirement on the part of the recipient to start one, or maintain one after a verbal "thank you".

As for the two recent examples, the first guy just sounds like a tool. My reading of that is he saw you, wasn't attracted but wanted the free drink once offered. The easiest way to accomplish that was to be a boor.

The second guy was flustered because you flubbed. A bartender passing along a drink ofer is an acceptable buffer for a gift; a direct request is a come-on. Based solely on your transcription, I'd guess Guy 2 was already involved.

(and yeah, taking the advice from possibly your most socially retarded friend is suspect, but I think I'm on track here.)

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Clearly, we're going to have to have some kind of SocialStuntOff to settle this question once and for all.

[my-tallest.livejournal.com]

Just from another perspective: I'm trying to cut down on the number of drinks I have, sort of a two-drink maximum. Not that anyone buys drinks for me, but if they did offer, and I was on number two, I'd probably flub up the proper response (which I know would be a polite decline, but at the time...). I don't want to have to go into why I'm cutting myself off, 'cause who wants to talk to a stranger about your alcoholic mother on first meeting?

I'd have to agree, using the bartender is much more appropriate. Had I been the guy in #2, I would probably have left as well. Maybe not fled, but left.

And, I have to say, this conversation is slight depressing, because now I feel like a socially stunted freak. And I'm not a freak.

complete stranger response...

[thesilia.livejournal.com]

when i've had a drink sent my way by a stranger, i've always accepted and eventually made my way over to thank the offerer in person. whether i'm available or not is beside the point. i usually try to drop that into any ensuing conversation as smoothly as possible.

i think that if you want to buy someone a drink, you either need to send it through the bartender or you should be engaged in some form of conversation with that person first.

i consider myself passably socially adept, fwiw.