The first step to avoiding avoidance is avoiding avoidance of admittance of the problem

[muckefuck]

caitalainn is causin' trouble again. She's been posting lately about her avoidance issues, which--along with independent but relevant events--has spurred me to examine my own. Turns out, they are rather large. I can see a pattern emerging of not asking certain questions if I fear the answers will force me to question my basic assumptions, significantly change my behaviour, or possibly admit that a long-term modus vivendi is not really possible. Much better to ignore it all and go plodding on in my happy-go-lucky way. After all, I'm less stressed and unhappy now than I've been in years, so I must be doing something right, right?

Not necessarily.

So what am I avoiding? Let's start with the obvious. I've mentioned to many people that I'm looking to buy and move into a new place this year. I did this intentionally to create social pressure. I like to claim I have no shame, but I really will feel chagrinned if I don't follow through on my plans. Right now, I'm avoiding getting pre-approved for a mortgage since it is the first serious step in any modern-day house hunt.

I'm avoiding going back to school because I really, really, really don't want to. I want to be treated as if I had a professional degree that I don't have, which is not realistic. I know I know how to do the work, other people know this too, but there are hoops everyone has to jump through and they won't go away just because I want them to. Fortunately, I've convinced myself that I can't even think of school until I'm settled in a new place, so I can continue to procrastinate on this a bit longer than the house thing. Go me!

I'm avoiding dealing with some sticky relationship issues. Again, I've got the house as an excuse. monshu won't even discuss living together until I've got a decent, well-kept place of my own. As long as I avoid getting one, I can avoid the possibility that the discussion might reveal some fundamental underlying incompatibilities (mainly related to my avoidance behaviour) that we've been successfully dodging for years now.

I've got other relationship issues I've been avoiding and I don't even have an excuse for those beyond my own pigheadedness. And since many of my friends read this, let me tell y'all that there's no need for speculation: Nearly all of you are affected in one way or another.

That's enough for now, isn't it? Maybe if I go to sleep, some of these will have magically evapourated by morning...

Comments

[prilicla.livejournal.com]

I can sympathize and empathize with this problem, since I have plenty of issues I'm furiously avoiding myself, not to mention the ones I'm constantly turning over and over in my mind without resolving.

Right now, I'm avoiding getting pre-approved for a mortgage since it is the first serious step in any modern-day house hunt.

I hope I'm remembering this wrong, but I believe lhn and I actually found a place we liked before could force ourselves to go through the pre-approval process. This meant that our offer was contingent on our getting a mortgage within a certain (short) period of time. Once we needed to get a mortgage for a place we really wanted, we were highly motivated to pick a lender and fill out the paperwork ASAP, and the whole thing went through in a few days. Obviously, this wasn't the smartest possible plan, but it did work out for us in the end. In other words, if you're really hung up on getting yourself pre-approved, for whatever deep psychological reason, you might want to try an end-run around the avoidance by seriously house-hunting without pre-approval. Another (probably brighter) option would be to find a friend or family member who's willing to hold your hand while you call lenders, compare rates, fill out paperwork, etc.

I've got other relationship issues I've been avoiding and I don't even have an excuse for those beyond my own pigheadedness. And since many of my friends read this, let me tell y'all that there's no need for speculation: Nearly all of you are affected in one way or another.

I suspect that you're not referring to me here, since we (unfortunately) rarely see each other outside of D&D games. But in the unlikely event that there's anything I can do to help resolve these issues, just let me know.

[mollpeartree.livejournal.com]

FWIW, princeofcairo and I followed the same slapdash procedure prilicla describes for getting a home loan, and it all worked out okay, except it was super-stressful. I think it would have been anyway, though.

I think I've already written about how we'd been deferring the children issue indefinitely because we figured we had to have a house first, and when was that ever going to happen? Until it happened, and we noticed we'd been thinking about it that way because neither of us really, really wanted kids.

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

caitalainn is causin' trouble again.

Go me!

Doesn't it SUCK to grow? We hates it forever! My sympathies, dearest, tho you're very brave.

But I have a question: if you really, really, really don't want to, why go to graduate school? Or is there some other goal that would require it?

(Is Monshu going to bitch-slap me now?)

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Without my masters, I'll be stuck at this level in the organisation forever. That might be okay if this weren't my career choice by default. So it's (1) get the stupid MLS or (2) change careers. Both unappealing, the second scarier than the first.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

See, "super stressful" is that aspect of home buying that I'm seeking to avoid at all costs. I've been there before: I can't sleep, I can't relax, and my digestion goes to hell. NO THANK YOU! There's enough to worry about already with a closing without wondering whether I'm going to be approved or not.

NOW!!

[darkphuque.livejournal.com]

Do it now, Daniel, it doesn't get easier as you get older....I speak from experience.

[bunj.livejournal.com]

There's enough to worry about already with a closing without wondering whether I'm going to be approved or not.

Which is why I would recommend getting pre-approved. We were, and it was still a bit of a whirlwind between the bid and the closing. I'd also hate to lose a great place because I didn't have a loan set up.

If you want, I can give you the phone number of our loan officer at Chase. He's not who we started with, but he's who we ended up with. He gave us a good deal on our refinancing, and is generally quite pleasant. Just calling up someone and setting up an appointment is pretty harmless. Then you can move to the fun part of looking at places and making snide comments about them!

[prilicla.livejournal.com]

My memory of the whole condo-buying thing is pretty cloudy by now, but I do know that there was no danger of strolling into the closing without any idea of whether we'd have the money we were promising the seller. Basically, we had to arrange a mortgage during the period that other contingencies (the inspection, the lawyer's approval, and possibly some others that I don't remember) were being resolved. Of course, if something had gone wrong, the deal might have fallen through, and a seller in a hot market probably would have blown us off in favor of a pre-approved buyer. So as bunj says, it's certainly a good idea to get pre-approved if you can make yourself do it.

Hazy memory

[(Anonymous)]

Actually, we weren't preapproved, but had a clear idea of what sort of mortgage we could qualify for. Course, we also had my Dad advising from the sidelines. (Note - that was not as helpful as it sounds).

As I have said often - the best book I read before buying was called 100 Questions Every First Time Home Buyer Should Ask by Ilyce Glink. It helps demystify the whole process and reduces MUCH of the uncertainty stress.

The whirlwind between putting in an offer and acceptance of the contract (usually about 3 to 5 days) can get crazy if you don't have a couple of details lined up in advance - like a lawyer, mortgage, and home inspector.

Re: Hazy memory

[bunj.livejournal.com]

Actually, we weren't preapproved, but had a clear idea of what sort of mortgage we could qualify for.

You're right. Man, that was stressful.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

I'm not referring to any fall out between us, just to the fact that I make absolutely no effort to get together with you and lhn outside of the Wilgame. Not making plans is another form of avoidance flavoured with commitment-phobia. (Ooh! If I make firm plans, then I'm out of luck if something comes up! What if I'm tired that night?)