It's all about me after all

[muckefuck]

So if that last post about my grandma's funeral sounded like an attempt to rationalise an essentially selfish decision, then there's good reason for it. As I said to monshu the next day, "There's no question whether it's a selfish decision. The question is whether it's unreasonably selfish." At the risk of oversimpliflying almost to the point of caricature, I think it comes down to a basic conflict between my parents' inherited sense of duty and their stabs at 60s-era self-actualisation--a conflict lovingly bequeathed to me.

After all, from the traditional point of view, there's no conflict: Funerals are a responsibility that comes with being part of a family. The only excuse for not attending is being in some way indisposed--too sick to travel, serving overseas and unable to get leave, in jail, etc. But the countercultural response to this is a rejections of empty forms in favour of a focus on those experiences which enable one to live a more open, more honest, less stressful and contradictory sort of life. Under that ethos, attending a funeral has to be evaluated in terms of the benefit to those experiencing it. Insofar as you need one in order to provide closure and a space for grieving, it's a worthwhile thing; to the extant that it's a hypocritical exercise in social posturing, it's not only unnecessary but actively harmful to one's personal growth.

My grandmother had absolutely no use for hippy-dippy sentiments, so if I were acting in accordance with "the will of the deceased", I'd be in a suit and tie right now lugging her coffin to Calvary. (Of course, if her will meant much of anything to me, I would hardly be a man-loving apostate, would I?) But positivism has no real use for such fuzzy conceptions such as the "will" of a person who no longer exists and postmodernism deconstructs such phrasing into a tool of reactionary social oppression. (See, grandpa was right about not sending me to college at a "hotbed of socialism".) I believe as firmly as I do anything that my grandmother's spirit is not wavering in the aether to take in who showed and who didn't. The only people doing that are my relatives, and I learned after much difficulty that caring what my relatives think of me is a road to unhappiness.

The only person whose opinion really counts for me in the matter is my mother's and she--true to the conflict of being a mash-up between pre-boomer quasi-hippie and good daughter from a petit-bourgeois home--has been sending out her share of mixed messages: Disappointed with the decision while insisting that she wouldn't have presented one if it weren't okay to say 'no'. I don't think she's just being brave when she tells me that she doesn't need the shoulder to lean on and so far her disappointment has centred around formal gestures like not having a pallbearer from our branch of the family(*). That's just an approach guaranteed to rankle with me, for all sorts of reasons.

Well, in truth she's not the only person. I care a great deal what monshu thinks, even if I'll do my own thing regardless. And, of course, I want to find a solution that I myself can live without a lot of hand-wringing and second-guessing. For a while, I thought a good compromise might be showing up for Thanksgiving--something I took a principled stance against a decade ago and haven't revisited since--but I'm beginning to question the usefulness of that compromise. Of maybe I'm just too spoiled and solipsistic, to jealous of my own free time to commit to it. I'm sure my grandparents would think so.


* Part of me responds to the elegant symbolism of this gesture, and part of me rankles at the thought that certain branches of the family are automatically excluded because this or that sibling didn't have the forethought to produce offspring with penises. If what you want is a child of my mother with upper body strength, don't look at the bookish out-of-shape wuss and not the mother of four portable but extremely heavy children.

Comments

[f8n-begorra.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine recently noted that the Irish do three things well: Horses, Guinness and Death. Having experienced more than my share of departures for my age, I've found that with death comes clarity. The truest feelings and emotions are right there - visible, obvious and clear as daylight. I've gained my deepest insights and formed my most profound evaluations of what is important- in subjective or objective terms- or not, at the death of a loved one. I trust those emotions and the actions they present.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

At this point I don't feel much of anything. I think it's because I've been resigned to my grandmother's death for so long that, in my mind, it had practically taken place already. I was trying to recall my earliest memories of her and didn't get emotional until I remembered a story about her co-father-in-law holding me as an infant. I was fond of her, but she was never a warm and nurturing presence.

[pklexton.livejournal.com]

I didn't go to the funerals for either of the last two of my grandparents to pass away. In my grandmother's case, I had just a few days before made a cross country trip to see her in the hospital before she died. Fortunately she was still lucid and we had a very nice final visit. Somehow I thought it would be extravagant to fly across country again just a week later. In my grandfather's case, he was a bit of an old cuss and I was sort of sick at the time anyway. At times I regret not going, but only at times. If I had gone, I wouldn't have those occasional pangs of regret. The occasional regret has nothing to do with what my other relatives think; it's more just squaring in my own mind whether I sufficiently honored them.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

It's hard for me to know what "honouring" my mother's parents even means because their values were so fundamentally different from my own. On one of the last formal occasions before he died, my grandfather exhorted us to "pray to the Holy Family, because they will always grant you what you ask for". Extracting their values from the dour conservative Catholic matrix which produced them and translating them to a carefree godless childless existence is a challenge I've never really risen to.

[innerdoggie.livejournal.com]

Oh dear! You've been through a lot lately. I'm not sure I would've headed down for Funeral #2 so shortly after Funeral #1.

[mollpeartree.livejournal.com]

Agreed that that's a lot of funerals lately and I don't have an opinion at all about whether you should go to this one or not, BUT ...

Another purpose of going to a funeral is to make the people whe really are grieving feel better. I've gone to funerals of coworkers just because I remember being kind of put out that nobody from the place my dad worked for 25+ years bothered to show up at his (probably because he'd retired several years earlier and that workplace didn't exist anymore, per se. But still.) Two people from the part-time job he'd taken as a retiree did show up, and it meant a lot to me, to know that other people valued him too.

Also, particularly with elderly people, you might learn interesting stuff about them in the eulogy that you didn't know before. At one grandmother's funeral, I learned she'd gone to college and gotten an art degree in Washington DC, and driven a cab there for a while (the cab part may have been made up by my cousin Wayne, a jokester, but maybe not; it didn't occur to me to ask my dad about it before he died. There was no discussion of how she ended up going back to Iowa and being a farmer's wife anyway after all of that, either. My dad's family is on the taciturn side.)

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's why this all hinged on my mother's feelings. If she says she doesn't feel like she needs us there, and as far as I can tell she's being honest, then that pretty much settles it. I chose not to come down for Thanksgiving after all and instead I'm planning a trip for January when I think this will all start sinking in and she'll REALLY need some support and attention.

And speaking of co-workers, I'm not sure if I ever complained here about the completely tacky and senseless decision of my uncle not to close my grandfather's company on the day of his funeral in order to allow the employees to attend. Instead, he just had the cortege drive past on the highway so they could stand by the fence and watch it.

So imagine my horror during my uncle's procession when I realised that the idiotic route we were taking to the cemetery was plotted in order to us down that same stretch of highway. That fat-headed decision has now become family tradition.

[bunj.livejournal.com]

I just hope his sons do the same thing to him.

Sorry, still rather bitter.

my condolences on the familial loss and ....

[mollyc-q.livejournal.com]

I am very sorry for the set of losses.

The passing of three of my four grandparents was actually focused on immediate and midterm care of the parent involved for me - in all three instances the international nature of the travel involved was partially an exercise in getting them to realize it was okay to go, its like they needed permission to go make final visits when if possible the parent in question was still alive but clearly the end was near. Supporting your parents when they lose theirs is no small task, ceremony aside - there is a lot of loss to process well past a funeral. I've had to mourn at a distance for decades, mine is a deeply distorted perspective. I hope I am not tripping over myself like a tactless cow while trying to say - trust the relationship you have with your mom - let that guide you through what you think best serves her emotional needs - the rest of the relatives aren't nearly as important - the complications you noted are what they are.

I want to affirm your decision to really be there and present for her after the holidays, the sudden let up in activity will give her no choice but to deal with the loss, especially as she figures out how to refocus her life when so long of it has been focused on elder care.

BTW, I share your shock at your uncle reinforcing a presumed divide between your grandfather and his employees. Family owned businesses - I don't want to over romanticize them but employers and employees see each other through good economic times and bad - they generate loyalties and care that is palpably different from mindless corporations. I don't know how your grandfather interacted with people at the business, but it seems cold to presume watching from the fences was enough a recognition of mutual loyalties and steadfastness.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Well, it seems my uncle is doing his best to shred those loyalties in his haste to advance his own sons. (Rumour has it that the widow specifically asked that they not be allowed to carry Butch's casket--which helps explain how my wheezing uncles got pressed into service.) They've already driven out two of my other uncles. One of these took payment in equity during years when Grandpa couldn't afford to pay him a salary and now my cousins have been needling other relatives to get him to "let go of some of that stock". You can see where bunj's bitterness comes from.

Recently, the father of an NRI friend of mine died and it was heartbreaking to see her come to the conclusion that she simply couldn't take time off at this juncture to attend the funeral. Mom was fortunate in that she was able to move back to St Louis in time to be with her mother back when it still mattered. My sister has her eye on her and I'm ready to fly down at a moment's notice to help her out.

wow, its as bad as I thought it was...

[mollyc-q.livejournal.com]

I think we share a visceral loathing of people third parties trivializing other people's feeling and loyalties for each other, especially when those bonds transcend organizational distinction. Using major life passages to send that message spectacularly unkind.

I am also very sorry that you, your sister, Bunj (hi, sorry for your loss) are dealing with multi-generational family politics tearing apart a carefully built up business.

Re: wow, its as bad as I thought it was...

[mollyc-q.livejournal.com]

and of course your mother, in that last line....she will need you all long past this funeral.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

She needed me already before it. This whole year has been a struggle to keep her focused and motivated, and its not about to get any easier. (Though I'm hoping that at least not having to devote so much time to eldercare will allow her to concentrate more on staying in work and pulling her home together.)

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Fortunately we're removed from all that. bunj worked there for one summer, the rest of us have carefully maintained our non-involvement. To me, it's one more example of the problems inherent to making your family your business partners.

ah then...

[mollyc-q.livejournal.com]

To well chosen buffers and detachment. Its sad all it takes is one persistantly insecure or selfish personality to poison an enterprise.

On that note - a restorative thanksgiving - I hope you and yer love have occasion to get your food groove on as it were....