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[personal profile] muckefuck
Let me tell you about the guy who tried to take me home last night.

I decided to swing by Big Chicks for dinner in order to support my favourite bartender. I may have mentioned before that all the bartenders get to bring their own music; David just plugs in his iPod and puts it on shuffle. Thanks to him, I may have no choice but to buy the new Ladytron single.

I figured it would be a slow night, what with everyone recovering from Mem Day weekend and all, but it was actually pretty busy. The sign on the door said "DIVA DATE" and I soon discovered that many of the new faces at the bar were there for the lesbian speed dating. (The second person to point out that that is a contradiction in terms will be smacked down.) I parked myself next to one of the old faces, my bar buddy DB, and ate rare beef. A few stools away was a cute wittle candy striper who looked like he was being hit upon by a lipstick lesbian in cooter cut-offs.

After she left, we pulled him into our conversation and found out he was a relocated South Sider. (Yes, of course I asked; St. Rita's, for those who care.) I revealed my home town and the mutual ragging began. He was--get this--an aspiring mortician. At one point, I overheard him saying to DB, "Now when I'm looking at your face, I'm imagining how I would inject it with fluid so that it wouldn't look too wrinkled on the one hand but also wouldn't look too puffy." I leaned over and advised him that he might want to think again about using that particular pick-up line.

DB has a doggy at home, however, and soon I was alone with our South Side boy and two dozen lesbians. I didn't think much of it since earlier he'd pointed out that he had a boyfriend and he was just here to "meet friends". It's not the first time I've heard that and I think I've finally reached the conclusion that it's really a gambit designed to lower my guard masquerading as a refreshing bit of honesty.

Most amusing discovery of the night: He still has his Young Communist League membership card at home. Least amusing discovery: If I understood him correctly, he only ended up at the bar because he'd been cruising my neighbourhood for a dealer. Everything was "creepy" to him. The bar was "creepy" (which is bizarre coming from someone who frequents the Granville Anvil), its owner was "creepy", the lesbians were "creepy", the buff guys standing behind us were "creepy", etc. I finally said, "Let's make this simple: what here is not creepy?" "You're not creepy, that's why I'm talking to you."

Being a bit bleary myself, I didn't notice how drunk he was at this point. It was only after he began hitting on a lovely woman from Rockford who we invited to sit near us that I got some idea, and only after I'd witnessed his attempts to rise from the stool that I confirmed it. He'd had at least half a dozen g 'n' ts in my presence and had been there for at least an hour before I'd showed up. Both our gal pal and the scary guy on the other side (What a piece of work. He jumped into the conversation at one point and I could barely understand his gabbling; I soon figured this was for the best, since he was ranting like he was on the verge.) thought I should follow him to the john to make sure he didn't hurt himself.

When we got back, she was insistent that we put him into a cab and get him home. I figured he was his boyfriend's problem, so only went as far as waiting with him on the corner. "Come home with me," he asked. "Why?" I replied. Almost immediately after packing him off, I rang Nuphy and we joked about how I should've given the driver his address. Very much the old man's type, but the more I elabourated on the little twink's behaviour, the more he concluded that it was just as well he was sent on his way.
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Date: 2006-05-31 05:39 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile] sconstant.livejournal.com
(Looks around quickly.) That's a contradiction in terms!
Date: 2006-05-31 05:42 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile] muckefuck.livejournal.com
Lawyers, adjudicate! Was I or was I not, in fact, the first person point out that lesbian speed dating is a contradiction in terms?
Date: 2006-06-06 02:24 am (UTC)

From: [identity profile] innerdoggie.livejournal.com
I dunno. Where were the U-Hauls?

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