The latest in the battle against expectations

[muckefuck]

Expectations can be a funny thing. My initial infatuation with monshu was so lust-powered, I thought that would be one of the relationship's constant themes. He knew better, that's why he was always insisting we work on the other areas, the ones that didn't come so naturally. After a year or two, sure enough, the frequency of sex (though not necessarily the intensity) began to decline. I was confused and upset. I took it as a personal rejection rather than a natural development in a romantic relationship. I've mostly worked through that confusion, but it's funny what will trigger it again. I've given up on expecting sex during the week. monshu's work has become more demanding and less rewarding for a while now; often, his chief desire in the evenings is just to recover from it. If he's got the energy for sex, it's a welcome bonus.

Last night, I didn't even feel particularly lustful. My workday had been annoying, I'd been draggy all day, and I showed up at his place mute and irritable. I even remember thinking, "If he initiates something, I'll turn it down." After a while, that prickliness began to melt away. Something on television reminded me of the beard photos arkanjil posted, so I sat my other half down in front of the computer to show him that, aadroma's wedding hijinks, and bitterlawngnome's innovative and analytical meal planner. He prepared to log off and I jumped on to check a few things.

At some point, I realised he was sprawled on the bed in "come hither" mode. I guess it's just a part of monshu's background or personality that he doesn't ever ask for sex; he can only ever hint at his own need for it. Mine is the only desire he permits himself to openly address, meaning that, in order to freely articulate his lusts, he must project them onto me. E.g., "We have to do something to take care of you" = "I'm feeling horny." This works because, well, I am almost always open to love-making, but at the cost of casting me permanently into the supplicant role, which rankles. By making it seem that all sexual activity is a response to my demands, he makes it impossible to tell when he is simply humouring me and when he's really in the mood.

In any case, spotting the overture, I found to my surprise that I did feel horny after all. But I was also in the middle of something at the moment and I sought to preserve my dignity by finishing it up before seeing to him. It was only a few minutes, but just enough time for the window to close. Before I knew it, the poor tired thing was snoring and there I was, alone with my own arousal. I stewed for a bit, frustrated at the bad communication and stupidity of it all, wasted some time playing solitaire, then went home pondering where I had ended up and what I wanted to do about it.

This morning, the old man apologised for crashing. I was touched. I knew he'd been up since 2:30 a.m., that his day had been long and demanding; I didn't hold his actions against him. But, at the same time, I'd concluded that he was being oblivious when he wasn't. I wanted to write a long reply, trying to summarise my train of thought, the issues I'd identified the night before and brooded about on my way home, my recognition of the strength of our relationship and my hopes and fears for the future, but how could I when I knew he had an absolutely killer day ahead of him?

The really vital things were said: He offered me all his love and I accepted it, sending mine in return. I've come to realise--thanks to Nuphy!--how many different ways there are to love someone (even someone who's your ex-lover) and what a ridiculously small part sex plays in the overall mix. I've had what by community standards would be considered a large number of sexual partners, some of whom were truly regrettable and a few of whom I can't even name. After that, how could I think of sex as primary in defining our relationship?

Comments

[keyne.livejournal.com]

This works because, well, I am almost always open to love-making, but at the cost of casting me permanently into the supplicant role, which rankles.

Yes, it definitely can. Have you discussed it with him? (If not, I guess he'll read it here. :})

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

I've tried to raise it a gentle way, because I feel being too direct might make him defensive, but that's gone nowhere. I debated whether I should even mention it here, since, in general, I don't believe in bringing up something in public that you haven't at least attempted to discuss privately. Finally, I concluded that he knows it's an issue (even if he downplays the seriousness of it), so I'm not betraying any confidences by publicly acknowledging it. I've decided that I need feedback from friends on how to handle this, so, for my own good, I'm bringing it out in the open. I hope he's okay with that but, as you say, we'll find out, now won't we?

[zompist.livejournal.com]

My thoughts: laugh off the particular incident, but bring up the general communications issue.

I've run into those missed windows too... it's frustrating, but they're not really anybody's fault and it probably won't help for either party to feel bad about them.

Hinting isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it requires some metacommunication now and then to make sure that signals are being understood. I've run into trouble assuming that everyone will send out the same signals my previous partner used...