Feb. 9th, 2022 11:53 am
There's always more
Just in case anyone was concerned the BB drama was petering out, here I am with a new installment!
There wasn't much more to the story in my previous post. BB caught up with in the backroom, I introduced him to my new BDSM friend, and the three of us starting chatting amiably. At one point, I left to check on my other pals and when I came back I found them engrossed in conversation so I stepped off to give them a little space. Eventually, when BB decided to leave, I decided to walk him out, and our new friend promised to come to cocktails. So it all ended happily.
The next weekend was Bear Night and I felt so awful Saturday morning that I almost cancelled my cocktails. I think the issue was some dodgy sausage I'd had the night before and since it wasn't something contagious I decided to power through. The first guest was my BDSM friend (who needs a better nickname). He struggles to stay up late so he asked for caffeinated tea. Next was Sad Cub, who's pretty suggestible when it comes to drinking, and he asked for a cup of the same (albeit with a schuss of Jagertee). So the rest of the guests arrived to find us all drinking tea, like a spinster kaffeeklatsch.
BB didn't make it. He overslept and met us at the bar. It was a lot busier,![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clintswan stayed later, and in general there were more shenanigans. I was masochistically encouraging BB to make time with guys and then eating my heart out when he did. At one point I texted walkthelight to tell him I was trying to be BB's wingman and he replied, "I don't think that's a good role for you."
What saved the evening was this: As before, BB and I left together and I waited with him for his rideshare. But this time it was almost twenty minutes in coming so we had an opportunity to chat and what we ended up chatting about was our relationship. Try as I might, I can't remember what exactly led up to me saying, "I'm still hung up on you."
"Aw, don't say that!"
"Why not?"
"Because it makes me feel bad."
"Why? It's not your fault. It's my problem to deal with."
And then something unexpected happened: He proposed we get together for brunch and talk about it. I couldn't believe it; the conversation I'd been angling to have for three solid months was finally being freely offered to me. I snapped up the chance. We continued the conversation by text and he told me he thought I understood him "pretty well" and apologised if he led me on. I thought about it carefully and told him, no, that I'd been filling in the gaps too much and painted a different picture than the one he probably thought he was presenting.
Of course, I never know when to halt my analysis so I kept mulling the matter over and yesterday I told him that, while I didn't think he'd led me on in terms of a romantic relationship, the same couldn't be said when it came to sex. "What's the difference?" he asked, which kicked off a discussion of the complicated role of sex in relationships which, again, I didn't expect but was happy to have. I ended up confessing to him that sex with him had been really meaningful to me, something I'd hoped to tell him eventually (since it's what put me on the whole path to obsession in the first place) but which I was going to do in the context of Saturday's conversation.
And then he went silent for the next 26 hours.
I shouldn't have been surprised. The whole reason I never told him this before is that I thought it would send him running in the other direction. Without the larger context, I can see how he might take it as me insisting that we should get together or something. But it was painful and frustrating: We finally get to a point where I feel I can make a really vulnerable statement and he disappears on me, just as I feared he would.
When he replied, he explained that, from his point of view, we've had this conversation before and I should know by now where he stands. I told him that, as far as I'm concerned, we've never had this conversation because I've been withholding a lot in order not to spook him. I don't plan on doing that any more. I calledwalkthelight for a pep talk last night and he reminded me that protecting BB is not my responsibility; if he wants a role in my life, he has to be willing to accept a non-curated version of me. (This is one of those things which seems preposterously self-evident but which I still need to be reminded about regularly.)
There wasn't much more to the story in my previous post. BB caught up with in the backroom, I introduced him to my new BDSM friend, and the three of us starting chatting amiably. At one point, I left to check on my other pals and when I came back I found them engrossed in conversation so I stepped off to give them a little space. Eventually, when BB decided to leave, I decided to walk him out, and our new friend promised to come to cocktails. So it all ended happily.
The next weekend was Bear Night and I felt so awful Saturday morning that I almost cancelled my cocktails. I think the issue was some dodgy sausage I'd had the night before and since it wasn't something contagious I decided to power through. The first guest was my BDSM friend (who needs a better nickname). He struggles to stay up late so he asked for caffeinated tea. Next was Sad Cub, who's pretty suggestible when it comes to drinking, and he asked for a cup of the same (albeit with a schuss of Jagertee). So the rest of the guests arrived to find us all drinking tea, like a spinster kaffeeklatsch.
BB didn't make it. He overslept and met us at the bar. It was a lot busier,
clintswan stayed later, and in general there were more shenanigans. I was masochistically encouraging BB to make time with guys and then eating my heart out when he did. At one point I texted walkthelight to tell him I was trying to be BB's wingman and he replied, "I don't think that's a good role for you."What saved the evening was this: As before, BB and I left together and I waited with him for his rideshare. But this time it was almost twenty minutes in coming so we had an opportunity to chat and what we ended up chatting about was our relationship. Try as I might, I can't remember what exactly led up to me saying, "I'm still hung up on you."
"Aw, don't say that!"
"Why not?"
"Because it makes me feel bad."
"Why? It's not your fault. It's my problem to deal with."
And then something unexpected happened: He proposed we get together for brunch and talk about it. I couldn't believe it; the conversation I'd been angling to have for three solid months was finally being freely offered to me. I snapped up the chance. We continued the conversation by text and he told me he thought I understood him "pretty well" and apologised if he led me on. I thought about it carefully and told him, no, that I'd been filling in the gaps too much and painted a different picture than the one he probably thought he was presenting.
Of course, I never know when to halt my analysis so I kept mulling the matter over and yesterday I told him that, while I didn't think he'd led me on in terms of a romantic relationship, the same couldn't be said when it came to sex. "What's the difference?" he asked, which kicked off a discussion of the complicated role of sex in relationships which, again, I didn't expect but was happy to have. I ended up confessing to him that sex with him had been really meaningful to me, something I'd hoped to tell him eventually (since it's what put me on the whole path to obsession in the first place) but which I was going to do in the context of Saturday's conversation.
And then he went silent for the next 26 hours.
I shouldn't have been surprised. The whole reason I never told him this before is that I thought it would send him running in the other direction. Without the larger context, I can see how he might take it as me insisting that we should get together or something. But it was painful and frustrating: We finally get to a point where I feel I can make a really vulnerable statement and he disappears on me, just as I feared he would.
When he replied, he explained that, from his point of view, we've had this conversation before and I should know by now where he stands. I told him that, as far as I'm concerned, we've never had this conversation because I've been withholding a lot in order not to spook him. I don't plan on doing that any more. I called
walkthelight for a pep talk last night and he reminded me that protecting BB is not my responsibility; if he wants a role in my life, he has to be willing to accept a non-curated version of me. (This is one of those things which seems preposterously self-evident but which I still need to be reminded about regularly.)