An explanation no one asked for

"Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway."--Elbert Hubbard.

I've never been able to accept this quote at face value. For one thing, I dislike the way it divides the world into those who are for you and those who are against you. What about the majority of people, who don't know you well enough to be a friend or an enemy? For another, it really isn't true that friends never need explanations. There are actions that, if they stem from one set of motivations, are perfectly understable and, if they stem from another set, are reason enough to reconsider the worth of the friendship. Mr Hubbard might have enough unconditional love to spread around among acquaintances, but I barely have enough for all my family.

It's hard to reformulate the quote so that it expresses what I feel while still remaining someone pithy, but if I might be allowed the liberty: "Don't volunteer explanations--if your friends need one, they'll ask and others will assume the worst regardless." Not as pretty--and still a bit inaccurate, since not everyone assumes the worst--but it does encapsulate what I think is a basic truth about friendship. Friends do give you the benefit of the doubt. If they hear a scurrilous rumour, they suspend belief until they've had a chance to talk to you. If you say something fatuous or offensive, they'll give you a chance to clarify before cutting you off. If you hurt their feelings, they'll let you know before the resentment causes them to drift away.

One of the things I've had the most difficulty with on LJ is figuring out how to pitch my writing at an audience that consists of both friends and others (including, for all I know, "enemies"). Intentional irony, for instance, only works when those hearing it know that the sentiments expressed are out of character. I've experimented with Friends groups, but without much success; even with filters, the potential for miscalculation is still huge. I myself have been uncharitable on subject where feelings ran high, to the point where I decided to suspend political posts until I felt I could play nice again.

I'd like to extend my thanks to those regular readers who read my entries and comments in a spirit of generosity (I can think of two cantankerous Aussies in particular who have a remarkably good record on this score despite disagreeing with me--violently, at times--on all manner of issues. Long may you two prosper!) and my appreciation to those out there who gave my personality and ideas a chance even if they decided in the end that those just weren't for them. I'd encourage casual interlopers to follow their example, but I don't suspect any of them have read this far. In return, the least I can do is to make a greater effort to suspend my judgementalness, bite my sarcastic tongue, and read your output with the eyes of a friend.