Jan. 15th, 2022 10:37 am
Part the sixth
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muckefuckSo if it's easy to date when my one-sided romance with BB began, it's harder to say exactly when it ended. You could say it was last night, when clintswan got me to acknowledge that I need--for myself, if not for him--to tell him that going forward I'm not aiming for being anything more than friends. You could say it's tonight, when I actually deliver that speech. Or maybe it's Thursday, when I spent the whole day resenting him for, basically, not being something he never asked to be. Or even just after midnight on Tuesday, when he told me baldly "I don't really ascribe a lot of thought or feeling" to making out with anyone, me included.
At any rate, sometime this week. Let's say today, which gives us a total of 76 days or just under 11 weeks. Some of it was fun, a lot of it was awful, none of it was really easy. That's a clue, isn't it? If romance is this much work, then it probably means you're trying to force something into existence that isn't meant to be.
Realistically I know that declaring something over doesn't make it over. I'm still going to have lingering feelings for who knows how long. Part of the reason I'm telling him, after all, is so that if I need to not talk to him for some weeks or even months he'll know the reason. I promised him friendship and I intend to keep that promise if I can.
What else is there to say really? Overall, I'm content with how I've handled things. I wish it had all been less painful but, as Steve Buscemi's character says in one of his earliest film roles, "Wishing is for whining self-pitying assholes." Actually, scratch that. Because if there's anything I'm particularly proud of from this latest tangle with Eros it's how I've been making a point of being kind to myself. I have a tendency to call myself "stupid" for loving too early and too well. But that has nothing to do with smarts, it's just how I'm wired. I can't brain myself out of that tendency, I can only become more aware of it and try to check my behaviour as I go along--not by berating myself but by being realistic and doing calming exercises to dissipate some of my anxiety and help me redirect. Hopefully, the next wild ride will be less pain and more ecstasy.
clintswan got me to acknowledge that I need--for myself, if not for him--to tell him that going forward I'm not aiming for being anything more than friends. You could say it's tonight, when I actually deliver that speech. Or maybe it's Thursday, when I spent the whole day resenting him for, basically, not being something he never asked to be. Or even just after midnight on Tuesday, when he told me baldly "I don't really ascribe a lot of thought or feeling" to making out with anyone, me included.At any rate, sometime this week. Let's say today, which gives us a total of 76 days or just under 11 weeks. Some of it was fun, a lot of it was awful, none of it was really easy. That's a clue, isn't it? If romance is this much work, then it probably means you're trying to force something into existence that isn't meant to be.
Realistically I know that declaring something over doesn't make it over. I'm still going to have lingering feelings for who knows how long. Part of the reason I'm telling him, after all, is so that if I need to not talk to him for some weeks or even months he'll know the reason. I promised him friendship and I intend to keep that promise if I can.
What else is there to say really? Overall, I'm content with how I've handled things. I wish it had all been less painful but, as Steve Buscemi's character says in one of his earliest film roles, "Wishing is for whining self-pitying assholes." Actually, scratch that. Because if there's anything I'm particularly proud of from this latest tangle with Eros it's how I've been making a point of being kind to myself. I have a tendency to call myself "stupid" for loving too early and too well. But that has nothing to do with smarts, it's just how I'm wired. I can't brain myself out of that tendency, I can only become more aware of it and try to check my behaviour as I go along--not by berating myself but by being realistic and doing calming exercises to dissipate some of my anxiety and help me redirect. Hopefully, the next wild ride will be less pain and more ecstasy.
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