Jun. 24th, 2020 08:20 pm
School spirit
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muckefuckToday I'm dealing with some shit. Out of the blue, the president of my high school (who's held the position since I was a student there) sent out an email with a link to a list of confirmed molesters among the the members of the order who ran it. At least three of the names were familiar from my years there and two of them--not coincidentally, the two I had the most interaction with--were no surprise. (One was reassigned to a different establishment where he no longer had contact with minors and then left the order shortly after; you don't have to be Sherlock to understand what that trajectory means.)
The cover letter said this was being shared "in a spirit of sorrow and accountability". So I fired off a reply to the effect of, "Where's the accountability for the enablers. You know, like yourself?" I was about to hit send when I had second thoughts.. I'm not sure why; I guess some residual goodwill from when I still looked up to him? Not to mention that it felt somewhat like kicking a man when he's down.
But some men deserve kicking. After all, he's still occupying the exact same position of authority despite what's finally come to light. He only sent the letter because it was required of him. (The list was for the entire order; every president or principal probably had to send out a similar letter.) Most of all, he took no measure of personal responsibility for things that happened when he was in charge.
For all I know, he put a stop to the abuse as soon as he heard about it. But--crucially--the perpetrators were never held publicly to account. Every listed member who served at my school is deceased or no longer a cleric; I don't know that any were ever formally charged (and I googled the living one every couple of years, which is how I know what became of him). No one contacted me or my classmates to find out what we might have been subjected to.
In my case, it wasn't much. One incident, basically, where a brother came up to me while I was studying in my dorm room and gave me an unexpected backrub. Inappropriate, a little confusing, but not deeply upsetting. Certainly not compared to knowing that the Assistant Principal and latter Principal of the school was fondling students while the President played dumb.
And that got me thinking about the wider effects of these incidents. The focus is always on the direct survivors--as it should be, because what they go through is devastating. But what happens to those around them is not nothing. To be put in this impossible position, where you know that crimes are taking place but you don't feel like you can stand up to the authorities that are allowing them to happen, if not outright perpetrating them. How do you make your peace with that?
One friend my age, who saw similar bullshit go down at a different school, said that it destroyed his sense of "mentorship" (since the "mentoring" relationships he observed were just covers for sex with minors). A classmate from the same school said the revelations had him questioning one of his own mentors who spent a lot of time tutoring him one-on-one. What were his motives? How lucky was he that ultimately nothing happened to him?
It's all complicated by the fact that, at the time, I was just coming to grips with my own sexuality. I even tried flirting with the principal once. Either it was so clumsy that he never noticed or he wasn't interested so he never let on, I wasn't sure. Let me tell you, it did wonders for my self-esteem. How fucked up is that? To feel rejected by a molester? But I knew he had no ethical objections to sex with students, so what did it mean that he didn't want to have sex with me?
I didn't mention any of this in my letter. I kept it short and bitter: Hey, remember that time my best friend tried to talk to you about the principal's shenanigans? 'Cause I do. You knew and you pretended not to, so fuck your false piety and your "spirit of sorrow". And--by the way--thanks for your contribution to making me an atheist who thinks your entire organisation should be burnt to the ground and the ashes dumped in the sea.
The cover letter said this was being shared "in a spirit of sorrow and accountability". So I fired off a reply to the effect of, "Where's the accountability for the enablers. You know, like yourself?" I was about to hit send when I had second thoughts.. I'm not sure why; I guess some residual goodwill from when I still looked up to him? Not to mention that it felt somewhat like kicking a man when he's down.
But some men deserve kicking. After all, he's still occupying the exact same position of authority despite what's finally come to light. He only sent the letter because it was required of him. (The list was for the entire order; every president or principal probably had to send out a similar letter.) Most of all, he took no measure of personal responsibility for things that happened when he was in charge.
For all I know, he put a stop to the abuse as soon as he heard about it. But--crucially--the perpetrators were never held publicly to account. Every listed member who served at my school is deceased or no longer a cleric; I don't know that any were ever formally charged (and I googled the living one every couple of years, which is how I know what became of him). No one contacted me or my classmates to find out what we might have been subjected to.
In my case, it wasn't much. One incident, basically, where a brother came up to me while I was studying in my dorm room and gave me an unexpected backrub. Inappropriate, a little confusing, but not deeply upsetting. Certainly not compared to knowing that the Assistant Principal and latter Principal of the school was fondling students while the President played dumb.
And that got me thinking about the wider effects of these incidents. The focus is always on the direct survivors--as it should be, because what they go through is devastating. But what happens to those around them is not nothing. To be put in this impossible position, where you know that crimes are taking place but you don't feel like you can stand up to the authorities that are allowing them to happen, if not outright perpetrating them. How do you make your peace with that?
One friend my age, who saw similar bullshit go down at a different school, said that it destroyed his sense of "mentorship" (since the "mentoring" relationships he observed were just covers for sex with minors). A classmate from the same school said the revelations had him questioning one of his own mentors who spent a lot of time tutoring him one-on-one. What were his motives? How lucky was he that ultimately nothing happened to him?
It's all complicated by the fact that, at the time, I was just coming to grips with my own sexuality. I even tried flirting with the principal once. Either it was so clumsy that he never noticed or he wasn't interested so he never let on, I wasn't sure. Let me tell you, it did wonders for my self-esteem. How fucked up is that? To feel rejected by a molester? But I knew he had no ethical objections to sex with students, so what did it mean that he didn't want to have sex with me?
I didn't mention any of this in my letter. I kept it short and bitter: Hey, remember that time my best friend tried to talk to you about the principal's shenanigans? 'Cause I do. You knew and you pretended not to, so fuck your false piety and your "spirit of sorrow". And--by the way--thanks for your contribution to making me an atheist who thinks your entire organisation should be burnt to the ground and the ashes dumped in the sea.
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