Nov. 12th, 2019 10:39 am
Current mood: not good
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muckefuckI'm in some kind of mood today. Part of me just wants to give up on everything and part wants to overcome that but isn't exactly sure how. So very basic things are becoming a struggle.
Seeing Pasillero, for instance. He offered me some time this evening after a planning meeting. I really want to see him and, at the same time, I'm dreading it so that the simple act of making plans to meet took a couple hours. I didn't want to look at my phone and see another message, but I also didn't want to to ignore him.
It wasn't this bad yesterday. What's different about today? All I can think of is FB showing me a picture of Monshu, happy and healthy (albeit secretly already cancerous) from five years ago. That's usually not enough to trigger me, though.
Maybe it's that on top of the book I'm reading, Rebecca Makkai's The great believers. It's excellent, but boy is it ever rough. It follows the protagonist through the breakup of his relationship during the Chicago AIDS crisis in the mid-80s and there are landmines galore. (And not always obvious ones; one of the most wrenching sequences involved an abandoned cat.)
It's hard not to read something like that and not rethink decades of life choices. Unproductively, of course; this is not the kind of mindset which leads to sudden clarity. Maybe if I had someone handy to confide in, it would be different, but LL is back home and the thought of reaching out to someone is just too intimidating right now.
Seeing Pasillero, for instance. He offered me some time this evening after a planning meeting. I really want to see him and, at the same time, I'm dreading it so that the simple act of making plans to meet took a couple hours. I didn't want to look at my phone and see another message, but I also didn't want to to ignore him.
It wasn't this bad yesterday. What's different about today? All I can think of is FB showing me a picture of Monshu, happy and healthy (albeit secretly already cancerous) from five years ago. That's usually not enough to trigger me, though.
Maybe it's that on top of the book I'm reading, Rebecca Makkai's The great believers. It's excellent, but boy is it ever rough. It follows the protagonist through the breakup of his relationship during the Chicago AIDS crisis in the mid-80s and there are landmines galore. (And not always obvious ones; one of the most wrenching sequences involved an abandoned cat.)
It's hard not to read something like that and not rethink decades of life choices. Unproductively, of course; this is not the kind of mindset which leads to sudden clarity. Maybe if I had someone handy to confide in, it would be different, but LL is back home and the thought of reaching out to someone is just too intimidating right now.
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