Oct. 30th, 2019 12:12 pm
Getting helped
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muckefuckSo Monday night was great but the depression is back. Last night I had my first dreams specifically about M.'s death. My sister and I were throwing things out and I was having second thoughts. In particular, there was a song on one of his tapes that I'd only copied the first ten seconds of, thinking that would be enough to identify the track from, but it wasn't and we'd already discarded the original tape.
I woke up thinking about some of the random stuff that got tossed just this past week, mostly old D&D modules and gaming notes. I'm really conflicted about it: I don't need it, I don't want it in my house, but I was comforted by the idea that someone was holding onto it somewhere. We faulted M. for "living in the past" but seeing how much he'd saved was somehow affirming to me. Now it's like we're declaring them worthless all over again.
Relatedly, I'm obsessing over that daddy from Saturday's party and I can't decide whether it's contributing to my depression or if my depression is what's making me obsess and maybe that's a false dichotomy anyway. It's always frustrating when you meet someone you feel an instant bond with and then they end up basically ghosting you. (I mean, we're friends on FB now, but I sent him a couple messages and he ignored them.)
I think it might be activating my underlying "no one will ever love you again" anxiety. I tell myself that there are many reasons for not corresponding with someone in this situation (including "I don't want to feed my own infatuation") and that in an absence of evidence I shouldn't assume the worst. That works sometimes, but given that I still think of that leather daddy from Houston from 30 months ago and sigh, I know that--barring a new crush--I won't be over this one quickly.
In the meanwhile, I posted to FB about my tribulations and got a flood of support and advice. My cousin's daughter even wrote up a short paragraph and asked her to post it on her behalf. Folks are offering to come do things with me, which is honestly making me feel a little panicky--one of the things I'm discovering about how my depression works is that it ups my normally negligible social anxiety. I'll accept some of the lower-pressure offers and take it from there.
I woke up thinking about some of the random stuff that got tossed just this past week, mostly old D&D modules and gaming notes. I'm really conflicted about it: I don't need it, I don't want it in my house, but I was comforted by the idea that someone was holding onto it somewhere. We faulted M. for "living in the past" but seeing how much he'd saved was somehow affirming to me. Now it's like we're declaring them worthless all over again.
Relatedly, I'm obsessing over that daddy from Saturday's party and I can't decide whether it's contributing to my depression or if my depression is what's making me obsess and maybe that's a false dichotomy anyway. It's always frustrating when you meet someone you feel an instant bond with and then they end up basically ghosting you. (I mean, we're friends on FB now, but I sent him a couple messages and he ignored them.)
I think it might be activating my underlying "no one will ever love you again" anxiety. I tell myself that there are many reasons for not corresponding with someone in this situation (including "I don't want to feed my own infatuation") and that in an absence of evidence I shouldn't assume the worst. That works sometimes, but given that I still think of that leather daddy from Houston from 30 months ago and sigh, I know that--barring a new crush--I won't be over this one quickly.
In the meanwhile, I posted to FB about my tribulations and got a flood of support and advice. My cousin's daughter even wrote up a short paragraph and asked her to post it on her behalf. Folks are offering to come do things with me, which is honestly making me feel a little panicky--one of the things I'm discovering about how my depression works is that it ups my normally negligible social anxiety. I'll accept some of the lower-pressure offers and take it from there.
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