Sep. 19th, 2019 05:11 pm
Still broken
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muckefuckFirst order of the day was reporting to my doctor's office for tests, a flu shot, and retaking of my blood pressure. After fifteen minutes meditating in a quiet room I got it down to 111/86, which isn't great, but which does give me a pretty clear path forward for reducing it (in addition to getting back into the habit of exercising regularly again).
I've been feeling very listless lately and I'm not sure of the culprit. I thought I'd spring back after finally seeing off that awful cold on Tuesday but I still pretty much want to collapse in a heap every night when I come home. Today we had quick tours for the new students and I was able to cruise through three or four of those in short order, but once I had a chance to relax the tiredness returned.
I'm fighting to keep at bay memories of three years ago and the awful disappointment of finally bringing Monshu home only to see him sicken and return to ICU. I've always enjoyed the melancholy of this season--the nostalgic memories of going back to school mingling with the excitement of getting out and exploiting the good weather--but those recollections just lard it with so much regret that I start to retreat. My optimism seems so painfully naïve in retrospect and I don't know what to do with those feelings.
I'm really getting dispirited by the state of my place. In addition to the slow accumulation of small fixes, the fruit fly infestation is out of control and the cat still refuses to poop in his box despite my going back to the old litter he liked better. I've got a new hopeless crush; there's little chance I'd bring him back home, but if I did, I imagine he'd take one look and think "I can do better".
So even if part of me feels like it would be interesting to embark on a new relationship, it's clear I'm nowhere near ready. I want someone to come along who'll pressure me to fix myself, but that's not a healthy desire. I've got to want it for myself and find the motivation to take the hard steps. I guess I'll start with another walk outside.
I've been feeling very listless lately and I'm not sure of the culprit. I thought I'd spring back after finally seeing off that awful cold on Tuesday but I still pretty much want to collapse in a heap every night when I come home. Today we had quick tours for the new students and I was able to cruise through three or four of those in short order, but once I had a chance to relax the tiredness returned.
I'm fighting to keep at bay memories of three years ago and the awful disappointment of finally bringing Monshu home only to see him sicken and return to ICU. I've always enjoyed the melancholy of this season--the nostalgic memories of going back to school mingling with the excitement of getting out and exploiting the good weather--but those recollections just lard it with so much regret that I start to retreat. My optimism seems so painfully naïve in retrospect and I don't know what to do with those feelings.
I'm really getting dispirited by the state of my place. In addition to the slow accumulation of small fixes, the fruit fly infestation is out of control and the cat still refuses to poop in his box despite my going back to the old litter he liked better. I've got a new hopeless crush; there's little chance I'd bring him back home, but if I did, I imagine he'd take one look and think "I can do better".
So even if part of me feels like it would be interesting to embark on a new relationship, it's clear I'm nowhere near ready. I want someone to come along who'll pressure me to fix myself, but that's not a healthy desire. I've got to want it for myself and find the motivation to take the hard steps. I guess I'll start with another walk outside.