Once upon a mattress

[muckefuck]

This afternoon, monshu helped me break in my brand new bed.

Literally.

He was the first to notice something was wrong. I saw him pushing down with his hands in a tentative sort of way. I didn't think much of it until, when he went to fetch something from the medicine cabinet, I had a look myself and noticed that one of the masonite boards had come loose. I snapped it back into place--or tried to, but it was still sagging. That's when I realised that the central crosspiece was bent. Like two or three inches below its fellows.

I wish I could say we were doing something fantastically athletic at the time, but--as the big guy pointed out later--there was no more strain on the damn bed than could be expected from a vanilla het couple. Being the attentive boyfriend I am, I made sure we finished up before I got on the phone to the furniture company and tried to come up with the most accurate yet least embarrassing account of the trouble. Upshot is that they are blaming defective parts and replacing the bed next Friday.

I had my misgivings during the installation. It was delivered spot on 11 by a young bear and a skanky blond boy ("One for each of us," as monshu pointed out) and I watched them closely so I could break down the bed myself when the time came. I was dismayed to see them set up supports on the two crosspieces, partly because it meant I was losing under-the-bed storage and partly because I was thinking, What kind of bed needs supports for the crosspieces? I'll tell you what kind--some stylish but shoddily made Canadian piece of crap.

So looks like I'll be sleeping on the floor again for a while--in a much reduced space, I might add, since the bulk of my bedroom is now occupied by a large, handsome, shiny clothes rack.

Comments

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

That's what we get for not buying beds made in the US of A. Mine was made in Sweden, and the support boards tend to pop off the frame at the MOST inopportune moments.

(It's a new one: the giant metal bed now graces pleinweb's apartment.)

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Don't think that didn't occur to me. I was lying on the floor this morning listening to a report on the economy and how a lot of recent spending is going to foreign-made products that don't boost the American economy at all and staring over at my Canadian-made bed and wondering if I should check for a "Made in USA" label when I purchased its replacement.

[bunj.livejournal.com]

I guess furners just don't get vigorous enough in bed. Here in the US of A, we know how to make furniture to withstand America-sized coupling (and apparently the Danes, too, as we've had no trouble with our bed).

[snowy-owlet.livejournal.com]

What have the Danes got that the Swedes don't have?

[bunj.livejournal.com]

What have the Danes got that the Swedes don't have?

NATO, but I doubt that's the source of the problem.

As much as I want to slander entire nations, I guess I have to concede that this could be a problem within companies. I'm sure that somewhere, in the deepest, darkest corners of American industry, there is a shady company which makes beds domestically which cannot withstand the vigors of American-style sex. This secret fear will be my eternal shame.

[welcomerain.livejournal.com]

You sure you don't want our architectural steel cube bed? I guarantee you won't break it.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

You're on. I did some measuring last night and found that it should fit, provided we break it down to bring it in. I'm not sure how to get it from your garage to my condo, though, given that neither of us has a large enough vehicle.

When Room & Board calls today to inform me when they're prepared to switch out my bed for a new one, I'm going to tell them to take their piece of crap away and give me my goddamn money back because I'm shopping around elsewhere for a bed that won't collapse under the slightest pressure.