Jan. 17th, 2019 03:59 pm
It's all upstream
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muckefuckAfter I blabbed to the gaming group that depression was holding me back from hosting, JB became concerned enough to ask me how I was doing so I tried to describe how I'm feeling. "It's like when you're walking through deep water. I feel this pressure in my chest and everything is harder than it should be." His reaction made me think it's not an experience he's familiar with.
When I learned recently that my father was scheduled to be evaluated for executive dysfunction next month, I had to ask what that meant. And when my sister explained, my reactions was, "Is it hereditary?" I thought I'd escaped "widow's brain" just because I was able to keep reading books, but now I feel like it's caught up with me anyhow. It's distressing, the things that I forget--or would be if I cared more.
Recently I've also found myself very short-tempered. At bear coffee, I told a joke about how Nuphy suspected for years I was prediabetic because of how crabby I got before mealtimes. I finally had my blood sugar tested and "it turns out I'm not diabetic, I'm just an asshole". The bears laughed. When I told the same joke at game night, my friends didn't. It's probably simply a matter of time before I end up starting a fight with a stranger for no reason. Small things--cars not stopping, people blocking doorways--annoy me more than I should. I find myself complaining aloud, often while still within earshot.
LL tried to get me to talk to him last night but I just didn't feel like it. I wanted to read my book so I read my book. Because books still give me pleasure. When that stops happening, then I make the appointment for the happy drugs because I'll know I'm beyond the point of just fixing myself. Meanwhile I'll just muddle through and hope enough folks have their eyes on me that they'll catch me if I fall.
When I learned recently that my father was scheduled to be evaluated for executive dysfunction next month, I had to ask what that meant. And when my sister explained, my reactions was, "Is it hereditary?" I thought I'd escaped "widow's brain" just because I was able to keep reading books, but now I feel like it's caught up with me anyhow. It's distressing, the things that I forget--or would be if I cared more.
Recently I've also found myself very short-tempered. At bear coffee, I told a joke about how Nuphy suspected for years I was prediabetic because of how crabby I got before mealtimes. I finally had my blood sugar tested and "it turns out I'm not diabetic, I'm just an asshole". The bears laughed. When I told the same joke at game night, my friends didn't. It's probably simply a matter of time before I end up starting a fight with a stranger for no reason. Small things--cars not stopping, people blocking doorways--annoy me more than I should. I find myself complaining aloud, often while still within earshot.
LL tried to get me to talk to him last night but I just didn't feel like it. I wanted to read my book so I read my book. Because books still give me pleasure. When that stops happening, then I make the appointment for the happy drugs because I'll know I'm beyond the point of just fixing myself. Meanwhile I'll just muddle through and hope enough folks have their eyes on me that they'll catch me if I fall.
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