Jan. 4th, 2019 05:32 pm
A heap of corpses
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muckefuckIf you live long enough, there must come a crossover point where you go from knowing more people who are living to more people who are dead. Maybe if you've live through a major crisis (like a war or pandemic) when you're relatively young, you reach it twice. I'd like to think it's still far off for me, but I bailed on a funeral tomorrow to attend one tonight. That gives one pause.
That wasn't the only reason. The one tonight is for the husband of a coworker and takes place nearby whereas the one tomorrow is for one of my mother's brothers and takes place in St Louis. I feel more of a desire to support the coworker because she reached out to me and she's nearby where I can do more for her going forward. Ultimately, though, the reason I'm not going back to St Louis for my uncle is because I don't want to. He was a good guy and all, but whenever I tried to imagine myself at his wake or burial, I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't know why, but I'm listening to that gut feeling.
I feel like I'm letting down my family (especially my mom and my younger brother, who I don't think really wants to travel to STL tonight either) but I've also decided I don't care. The contact high from all the interaction I got over the holidays has faded and the reality of living another year with Monshu is hitting me with full force right now. Maybe my Year of Selfishness was just a dry run for how I need to live my life from now on?
That wasn't the only reason. The one tonight is for the husband of a coworker and takes place nearby whereas the one tomorrow is for one of my mother's brothers and takes place in St Louis. I feel more of a desire to support the coworker because she reached out to me and she's nearby where I can do more for her going forward. Ultimately, though, the reason I'm not going back to St Louis for my uncle is because I don't want to. He was a good guy and all, but whenever I tried to imagine myself at his wake or burial, I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't know why, but I'm listening to that gut feeling.
I feel like I'm letting down my family (especially my mom and my younger brother, who I don't think really wants to travel to STL tonight either) but I've also decided I don't care. The contact high from all the interaction I got over the holidays has faded and the reality of living another year with Monshu is hitting me with full force right now. Maybe my Year of Selfishness was just a dry run for how I need to live my life from now on?