Oct. 10th, 2018 04:13 pm
The air underneath
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muckefuckThe visit home wasn't great and it wasn't terrible. The highlights were modest: chatting with Dad and Stepmom, helping AWI make profiteroles. So were the rough spots: losing my cool with Crazy Brother, feeling cruddy and getting stuck at the airport on my last day.
And then there's my conversation with my sister, which I'm not sure how to categorise.
She's never felt like our relationship has recovered from our big falling out around this time last year. I suppose she's right. The only way we could find time alone from the demands of her family to mend it was to "take a walk", but it was raining so we ended up sitting together on her front porch instead.
I felt oddly removed from the entire exchange. Not that I was emotionless but even my emotions occurred at a remove. I cried more than once but without any corresponding feeling of helplessness. It was like when you ejaculate without an orgasm. I felt relief afterwards but not profound relief, only reassurance in the knowledge of a task completed.
Maybe this is my psyche protecting itself by refusing to take the stakes seriously. I don't even remember most of what I said and I always remember what I said in exchanges like these. Last year's attempt was shot through with righteous fury, the cruel things I came out with are still clear in my mind. This time I only got angry once and it faded quickly.
It's a tough time for her. She longs to coast from crisis to crisis like she's been able to do before but this year it's just been one hit after another and she's trying to resign herself to that just being the way it is for a while. I don't know what it would to do to her if she discovered it wasn't temporary. I told her I'd support her as much as I can and hoped those words didn't ring hollow.
And then there's my conversation with my sister, which I'm not sure how to categorise.
She's never felt like our relationship has recovered from our big falling out around this time last year. I suppose she's right. The only way we could find time alone from the demands of her family to mend it was to "take a walk", but it was raining so we ended up sitting together on her front porch instead.
I felt oddly removed from the entire exchange. Not that I was emotionless but even my emotions occurred at a remove. I cried more than once but without any corresponding feeling of helplessness. It was like when you ejaculate without an orgasm. I felt relief afterwards but not profound relief, only reassurance in the knowledge of a task completed.
Maybe this is my psyche protecting itself by refusing to take the stakes seriously. I don't even remember most of what I said and I always remember what I said in exchanges like these. Last year's attempt was shot through with righteous fury, the cruel things I came out with are still clear in my mind. This time I only got angry once and it faded quickly.
It's a tough time for her. She longs to coast from crisis to crisis like she's been able to do before but this year it's just been one hit after another and she's trying to resign herself to that just being the way it is for a while. I don't know what it would to do to her if she discovered it wasn't temporary. I told her I'd support her as much as I can and hoped those words didn't ring hollow.
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