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muckefuckI unwisely let myself get dragged into some family drama yesterday. My stepmom is out of town until tomorrow evening so Sis wanted Dad to come stay with her for two nights. He balked, so she went and stayed with him instead and then asked me to try to convince him to change his mind. That went about as well as any attempt to change Dad's mind has ever gone, viz. he told me I was pissing him off and ended the call. If I'd been a little less tired, maybe I'd've been able to softsoap him more, but I just don't have much patience for his shit. You can't remember what day it is and when your wife is getting back, but you'll know the day and hour when you can no longer take care of yourself without assistance. Okay, sure.
The thing is, I can understand his viewpoint: He would literally rather die than sacrifice an ounce of autonomy before it's absolutely necessary (and perhaps not even then). When Monshu was dying, it was of utmost importance to me that we did everything we could to respect his dignity and that meant leaving all important decisions to him. Of course, the difference there was that he was completely lucid literally until he drew his last breath whereas Dad has dementia. He hates it when we point that out (which is why the call ended how it did), but it complicates everything.
But as stubborn as Dad is, Sis matches him with her bossiness. It really is immovable object meets irresistible force. Both accuse of the other of ruining what time they have left together; both of them have a point. I'm content to let Dad enjoy his last days on his own terms; if that means he dies months before he would have otherwise, so be it. But Sis can't do that. It occurs to me now that when we were kids and we resented her for being his favourite, maybe what was really going on was that he was her favourite and he treated her so favourably because she was willing to go above and beyond what me and my brothers would to please him.
This may be my circus, but they are not my monkeys. Next time there's a clash, they can work it out without me; I don't think the ultimate result will be any different. I already wasn't looking forward to visiting next weekend, so much so that I was about to try putting it off for several more weeks. Instead I just want to get it over with. I promise I'd visit, so I'll visit, but then it's back to my real life here.
The thing is, I can understand his viewpoint: He would literally rather die than sacrifice an ounce of autonomy before it's absolutely necessary (and perhaps not even then). When Monshu was dying, it was of utmost importance to me that we did everything we could to respect his dignity and that meant leaving all important decisions to him. Of course, the difference there was that he was completely lucid literally until he drew his last breath whereas Dad has dementia. He hates it when we point that out (which is why the call ended how it did), but it complicates everything.
But as stubborn as Dad is, Sis matches him with her bossiness. It really is immovable object meets irresistible force. Both accuse of the other of ruining what time they have left together; both of them have a point. I'm content to let Dad enjoy his last days on his own terms; if that means he dies months before he would have otherwise, so be it. But Sis can't do that. It occurs to me now that when we were kids and we resented her for being his favourite, maybe what was really going on was that he was her favourite and he treated her so favourably because she was willing to go above and beyond what me and my brothers would to please him.
This may be my circus, but they are not my monkeys. Next time there's a clash, they can work it out without me; I don't think the ultimate result will be any different. I already wasn't looking forward to visiting next weekend, so much so that I was about to try putting it off for several more weeks. Instead I just want to get it over with. I promise I'd visit, so I'll visit, but then it's back to my real life here.
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