May. 31st, 2018 02:22 pm
Role reversal
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muckefuckSo I had my first dust-up with the new boy. We were bantering via text and he asked, "Are we role-playing now?" to which I responded, "Honey, we've been role-playing this whole time." He was miffed. I'm not exactly sure why, since he wouldn't tell me, and I eventually managed to talk him down by reassuring him I wasn't mocking him. I considered attempting an explanation, but I was bone-tired and didn't feel like doing that much texting, especially given the likelihood of compounding the misunderstanding. Maybe if we have what kids today call a "voice chat" I'll give it a go.
It was a flippant remark, but it was rooted in something he'd told me near the end of our brief time together:
It's not that I think he's fragile, but a 28 year-old singleton in a small town is in a very different position than a middle-aged man in a LTR in a major metropolis. When Flying Pig and I were communicating afterwards, I was very concerned about not coming off as too needy. Above all, I wanted to respect his relationship (and protect myself from falling too hard for him). Now my concerns are striking a balance between not leading someone on while also not causing them more anguish than is completely unavoidable.
You could call that a "daddy" role, but it's actually very similar to the position I'm in with Ginger Farmboy, who's ten years my senior. Because it's not about age, it's about privilege and the burden of responsibility. I'm in a more privileged position in many ways (experience, financial security, emotional maturity, etc.) and ethical action consists of not abusing that position, either deliberately or through neglect.
Of course, how do you explain any of that without coming off condescending as fuck? I'm not sure, which is why I didn't ask it of myself at a time when my resources were low. I'm just going to do my best to recall how my mentors treated me and hope what worked in my case will work here.
It was a flippant remark, but it was rooted in something he'd told me near the end of our brief time together:
On the way there, he struggled to put into words what the day had meant to him I realised that I'd been for him what men like Flying Pig had been for me; after all these years, the daddy hunter has become the daddy.Maybe he thinks that whole mention of "roles" implies that some degree of fakery is involved? But there's no escaping the fact that we all employ certain scripts when attempting to interact with other people. We were each trying to be the best version of ourselves for each other that day, whatever we thought that was. That's not the same as pretending to be someone else entirely.
It's not that I think he's fragile, but a 28 year-old singleton in a small town is in a very different position than a middle-aged man in a LTR in a major metropolis. When Flying Pig and I were communicating afterwards, I was very concerned about not coming off as too needy. Above all, I wanted to respect his relationship (and protect myself from falling too hard for him). Now my concerns are striking a balance between not leading someone on while also not causing them more anguish than is completely unavoidable.
You could call that a "daddy" role, but it's actually very similar to the position I'm in with Ginger Farmboy, who's ten years my senior. Because it's not about age, it's about privilege and the burden of responsibility. I'm in a more privileged position in many ways (experience, financial security, emotional maturity, etc.) and ethical action consists of not abusing that position, either deliberately or through neglect.
Of course, how do you explain any of that without coming off condescending as fuck? I'm not sure, which is why I didn't ask it of myself at a time when my resources were low. I'm just going to do my best to recall how my mentors treated me and hope what worked in my case will work here.
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