Nov. 18th, 2017 10:57 am
Holidays in Hell
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muckefuckSaturday mornings are always bad, but this is one of the worst so far. Normally this time of year, I'd be looking forward to the holidays with a mixture of anticipation and dread. This year, there's only dread. Christmas last year taught me how truly alone you are when you lose a spouse and how little other people understand that. It was a traumatic experience and I don't want to repeat it.
Maybe it wouldn't be as bad this year? So far my experience isn't encouraging. A little while ago, I posted a general reminder on Facebook thatmonshu's yahrzeit is only a month away (only three weeks now) and I could use some extra kindness. My brother got the message; for the first time in our lives, he invited me to do something with him for Thanksgiving. My sister still isn't talking to me. She took, "Don't burden me with Dad's issues when I can barely deal with my own" to mean "Don't say anything to me at all" and persists in that misapprehension despite my attempts to disabuse her of it. Two weeks ago, I was at her house and she didn't say a damn thing about Christmas. No one did.
I guess she, my mom, my stepparents, are all just all assuming I'll come down because I always have? Maybe it's best for all of us if I stay away. Maybe I just need to remind myself that being without them is still more miserable than being with them and not getting the love and care I need. And if it's not? That's certainly valuable to know, too.
Maybe it wouldn't be as bad this year? So far my experience isn't encouraging. A little while ago, I posted a general reminder on Facebook that
monshu's yahrzeit is only a month away (only three weeks now) and I could use some extra kindness. My brother got the message; for the first time in our lives, he invited me to do something with him for Thanksgiving. My sister still isn't talking to me. She took, "Don't burden me with Dad's issues when I can barely deal with my own" to mean "Don't say anything to me at all" and persists in that misapprehension despite my attempts to disabuse her of it. Two weeks ago, I was at her house and she didn't say a damn thing about Christmas. No one did.I guess she, my mom, my stepparents, are all just all assuming I'll come down because I always have? Maybe it's best for all of us if I stay away. Maybe I just need to remind myself that being without them is still more miserable than being with them and not getting the love and care I need. And if it's not? That's certainly valuable to know, too.
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