Aug. 31st, 2017 03:24 pm
Reconnecting
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muckefuckSo a funny thing happened after Turtle and Turtlewife went on vacation last March: They dropped out of my life. It was so completely unexpected that it took me months to realise what had happened. Planning the memorial sent me into a funk from which I'm still recovering. I started to find myself reaching out less to others, and while that concerned me, I also realised that if there were ever a time in my life for those who love me to step up, this was it, and as bad as isolating myself was pushing myself too hard was worse.
The first real moment of reckoning came when Monshu's birthday rolled around. Despite the fact that they'd been integral to celebrating it last year and must've had some idea how difficult it would be for me, I heard nothing. A few days later when Turtle wished me Happy IML. That at least opened a few days' negotiations for a dinner date, but those came to naught and we pushed off making plans until later.
I still thought they'd get in touch again, so when they didn't, my abandonment anxiety began to kick in. I began to wonder if I'd done something to push them away. Or I'd exhausted them with demands and they still weren't recovered from that. Or if maybe, all this time, they'd really just been Monshu's friends and put up with me because we were a package deal.
Now instead of longing for a meeting I began to dread one. Either they'd have to bring up how I'd offended or disappointed them and I'd be forced to deal with that or I'd have to bring up how they'd upset and disappointed me by not being there when I really could have used their support and neither prospect was the least bit attractive. So I kicked the can again, figuring that if my birthday went by unacknowledged, then we really were done.
My birthday came up. I got a "Happy Birthday" from Turtle on FB, nothing more.
So I was really not expecting to or prepared for getting a message from her a couple nights ago. The occasion was the death of a former colleague of both her and Monshu. The memorial service is this weekend. Since it's way out in the burbs, she offered me a ride. I'd already manage to cadge one from someone else, the friend who'd delivered a eulogy at Monshu's service and first informed me of their colleague's death. That gave me an excuse to decline and I took it.
I wrestled with the decision, though. On the one hand, it's finally an opportunity for reconciliation. On the other, it means that in addition to dealing with the loss of another friend of Monshu's--someone who came through for him when even his family let him down--now I've got this on my plate at the same time. Because she'll be there and we'll talk, so I've got to deal with this anyway.
It's so hard to work out when to allow yourself to be vulnerable and when to walk away. Do I want them in my life? Yes--but not if they're just going to vanish from it for six months at a time when just going through the motions of living my life requires a constant act of will. Clearly, I need to communicate that, but how to do it in a way that doesn't sound accusatory?
I wanted to say something similar to Eyefield when he flaked out on me and I wimped out, even with the stakes so much lower than they are here. I really can't afford to lose more friends and few friends have come through for me more in the last few years than these two. But one of my biggest mistakes over the years has been building up expectations of people based on their past behaviour. Sometimes people move on, regardless of whether you try to move with them or not.
The first real moment of reckoning came when Monshu's birthday rolled around. Despite the fact that they'd been integral to celebrating it last year and must've had some idea how difficult it would be for me, I heard nothing. A few days later when Turtle wished me Happy IML. That at least opened a few days' negotiations for a dinner date, but those came to naught and we pushed off making plans until later.
I still thought they'd get in touch again, so when they didn't, my abandonment anxiety began to kick in. I began to wonder if I'd done something to push them away. Or I'd exhausted them with demands and they still weren't recovered from that. Or if maybe, all this time, they'd really just been Monshu's friends and put up with me because we were a package deal.
Now instead of longing for a meeting I began to dread one. Either they'd have to bring up how I'd offended or disappointed them and I'd be forced to deal with that or I'd have to bring up how they'd upset and disappointed me by not being there when I really could have used their support and neither prospect was the least bit attractive. So I kicked the can again, figuring that if my birthday went by unacknowledged, then we really were done.
My birthday came up. I got a "Happy Birthday" from Turtle on FB, nothing more.
So I was really not expecting to or prepared for getting a message from her a couple nights ago. The occasion was the death of a former colleague of both her and Monshu. The memorial service is this weekend. Since it's way out in the burbs, she offered me a ride. I'd already manage to cadge one from someone else, the friend who'd delivered a eulogy at Monshu's service and first informed me of their colleague's death. That gave me an excuse to decline and I took it.
I wrestled with the decision, though. On the one hand, it's finally an opportunity for reconciliation. On the other, it means that in addition to dealing with the loss of another friend of Monshu's--someone who came through for him when even his family let him down--now I've got this on my plate at the same time. Because she'll be there and we'll talk, so I've got to deal with this anyway.
It's so hard to work out when to allow yourself to be vulnerable and when to walk away. Do I want them in my life? Yes--but not if they're just going to vanish from it for six months at a time when just going through the motions of living my life requires a constant act of will. Clearly, I need to communicate that, but how to do it in a way that doesn't sound accusatory?
I wanted to say something similar to Eyefield when he flaked out on me and I wimped out, even with the stakes so much lower than they are here. I really can't afford to lose more friends and few friends have come through for me more in the last few years than these two. But one of my biggest mistakes over the years has been building up expectations of people based on their past behaviour. Sometimes people move on, regardless of whether you try to move with them or not.
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more and more, i tend to let go of my end of the rope when people appear to be wandering off--i let people go if they seem to want to go and stop working on it from my end. it makes me sad, but it gives me clarity and allows me to focus on people who want to participate in the friendship with me. that probably sounds cold--it's very hard on me because it is completely counter to my instincts, but everything takes so much energy--i have less and less to spare.