Bearing bad news

[muckefuck]

It's interesting to see how different people take serious news. Some just listen numbly. Some assume you must need comfort and immediately become very solicitous. Some laugh it off. Some find a way to make it all about themselves.

I've seen enough of these different reactions over the year that none of them really surprises me any more. This weekend I got to see two more of them. After writing my previous post, I felt restless. monshu hadn't gotten up like he usually does, so there was no one in the house to talk to and I decide to wander over to Touché just to remind people I exist. I saw only a handful I knew and was getting ready to come right back home when I turned a corner and ran into Diego.

I couldn't think of decent transition to the topic, so after a few minutes of pleasantries I artlessly blurted out, "monshu has cancer." "Oh no!" he responded and answered my elaborations with heartfelt but restrained expressions of sympathy. When we ran into him at the grocery store today, he made a point of telling the Old Man he'd been informed and wishing him well. I tried to make light of all the medical appointments we had ahead of us, but he misunderstood my intention (as did the GWO, so the fault was clearly mine) and made what can only be described as a friendly threat.

Then this morning we met up with Scruffy for brunch. He didn't notice anything amiss as he drove us over to Nookies, so it wasn't until we were all seated in a corner booth that he asked monshu, "So how have you been?" We shared a meaningful glance and then he laid it all on him. Scruffy took it all in without saying much of anything and then almost immediately changed the subject. As we were parting, we clumsily explained that, if we did have a Hogmanay celebration this year, it would likely be a small affair. "Well, just let me know," he said before leaving to meet a friend.

I don't fault him for not having the same response as Diego. They're entirely different people--both very smart but, to quote Scruffy (in reference to me), "Smart in different ways." He's a mathematician and a former professional comedian, so while he can talk about difficult subjects, it's always with a fair amount of emotional reserve. Culture plays a role as well (he's from Cincinnati; Diego is Californian) and possibly age. Many men, particularly those somewhat older than me, aren't adept at discussing life-or-death matters.

For my part, I'm trying to keep the whole process from becoming too rote. I'm impatient for this just to be a thing everyone knows (or, better, a thing nobody really needs to know, because we're just living with it the same way he lives with hypertension or I live with gout). But then I think I'm getting ahead of myself, viewing things as more settled and certain than they actually.

Comments

[anicca-anicca2.livejournal.com]

This is the first time that you actually say what the matter is. I went back to look at some point and I more or less figured it out but maybe you spelled it out in a private post.

I don't know you but I appreciate being able to read your journal.
I'm obviously wishing you both the best possible outcome to this.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

No, I was being vague until we had a definite diagnosis. The doctors seem pretty sure now even if they can't quite agree on the best treatment.

Thanks for the good wishes. Things are looking better now than they did initially, although far from rosy. So we'll see.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

One of the most bizarre things about serious illness -- at least from my perspective -- is how quickly it morphs into "business as usual." Because, of course, unless one lives a privileged life, it must be.

I wish you and yr husband well.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

In our case, I think it's because we live such a privileged life that it can become a new normal. Part of the reason I work where I do is the health coverage--and even so I was having a freakout a couple weeks back when I misunderstood the size of our out-of-pocket maximum and thought we might be on the hook for almost $8,000/year, which would've wiped out my savings by February of next year.

Fortunately, it's not as bad as all that and we may still have enough left over to replace the furnace and take the trip abroad we were planning for next year (assuming we're still up for it). That's a completely different scenario than most people in this situation would be facing and it's very sobering.

[kcatalyst.livejournal.com]

Ugh, I'm sorry you guys are having to deal with this. I hope, as you say, it settles soon into something that's as not-a-big-deal as possible.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I was trying to recall what my biggest problem was before this all kicked off and I totally drew a blank. That's a very good thing to keep in mind.

[mlr.livejournal.com]

I just read this. I last caught up with your journal on Thanksgiving. It was vague from the entries exactly what was going on. I almost called. And now I'm sorry I didn't.

My thoughts are with you both.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

Don't feel bad about not calling. I was a bit overwhelmed at the time.

[wiped.livejournal.com]

i usually don't comment on your posts about your personal life as i don't really know you, but for whatever it's worth, i'm sorry you two are going through this and i wish your husband health and a full recovery.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, a "full recovery" isn't the cards. We're just looking at what will give him the best quality of life for however long he has left. (On the plus side, we're talking years at this point, not months.)

But thanks for the well wishes. They are appreciated.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

Plenty of people are just oblivious, but I think for most of us, we would like to react in a way that will comfort or at least support the person making the revelation; but it is never obvious what will do that. So we try the strategy that would work for us. I'm sort of at the point where I take any expression of goodwill or support as just that, however clumsily delivered.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm trying to be better at seeing the sincere intent behind peoples' reactions, whether those are "give them space", "I'm coming over tomorrow or clean the bedrooms and bake you a cake", or something in-between. Everyone we've told so far has really been sympathetic and supportive and I greatly appreciate that.