Real time

[muckefuck]

A little over eleven years ago now, I logged on to my e-mail in the morning to find this message from an acquaintance of mine on a discussion list:

I wish you all peace and love.

I noted that the timestamp was from the evening before and instantly knew that the person who had sent it must be dead. Sure enough, I found myself working forward through a flurry of concerned messages, followed by reports of failed contact attempts, and culminating in the news that his body had been found at the bottom of a gorge. It made for awful reading, but at least I was secure in the knowledge that there was nothing I could've done.

Last night, a hauntingly reminiscent scenario played out, only in real time. A friend--a low-drama guy who's not given to pranks--made a couple of frightening updates to Facebook, detailing how much of his heart medication would be necessary to "end it all". I called his cell phone and found him waiting at a bus stop literally around the corner from my house. His manner was relaxed and breezy as we chatted about getting together some weekend soon. I wished him good night, PMed a mutual friend who had expressed concern in comments, and then started winding down for the night.

But upon getting home, he made another post in the same vein. I called him once again, asked what was up, told him it was "really not cool" to worry his friends like that, and he assured me he'd delete the updates and then turn in. But they stayed, and other acquaintances were openly discussing in comments to them whether someone needed to call 911. I considered it, but realised I couldn't because I didn't have a street address to give them.

I felt paralysed by the tussle between my concern and my desire not to evade responsibility. What I saw unspooling online was a classic case of bystander effect, everyone opining that Something Should Be Done, but no one willing to be the one to do it. A response from the aforementioned mutual friend broke the impasse for me; I gave him the cell number and encouraged him to call, hoping it would amplify the message I'd tried to leave our buddy with, that he has "more friends than I think you realise".

No answer. We discussed what to do next. I began Googling to see if the 911 operator could pinpoint his position solely from his cellphone number. This time the tension was broken by a cryptic announcement that he had checked in to the local Catholic church on foursquare for "candles for mother's birthday". We pondered what that could mean and I wondered if perhaps I was finally off the hook. I left a voicemail of my own saying I wouldn't sleep until I heard from him.

Another half hour ticked by and we noticed that his most recent status update had gone missing. I called again and this time he picked up, claiming he'd been "in the shower" and hadn't noticed that anyone had called. I asked him about the thing with candles and he said "It's code for 'I'm okay'". More assurances, more reminders from me that I wasn't the only person worried. No sooner had I rung off, in fact, than our mutual friend called him and netted a promise that he wouldn't do anything.

We checked back in with each other and decided we'd done enough for the night. I summarised the whole proceedings to a bleary monshu, who said the same, and got an abbreviated night's sleep. First thing I did when I got up was check Facebook again; no new updates. I texted him on the way to work; no response. Is he out of the woods or not? I don't know. Even if he is, how long will he stay there?

There's only one thing I know for certain: his ex-boyfriend, who still hangs out with him regularly, is every bit as useless as I always suspected. I called him shortly after realising I didn't know the home address. He didn't answer and he didn't call back. At the end of the night, I sent him a text to assure him that we'd talked to his ex and he sounded alright for the moment; I got back some senseless Princess Bride quote that I can only interpret as some atrocious attempt to make light of it all.

Comments

[darkphuque.livejournal.com]

After being deserted by most of my friends after Greg died in 1999, I went into a depression spiral. When it turned into a suicidal mode, no one would have known. There were no particular changes in my life patterns and I gave no clues as to my intentions. I had everything ready, a date planned, will made out, As to why I didn't go through with it, we can talk sometime, if you want. My "alone-ness" was was off the chart, and I wanted to be with the man I so deeply loved. I lived to find another man who fills that spot admiablely.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

I will call. Will you have any time this weekend?

[keyne.livejournal.com]

Oh God. I wish we'd been able to do something for Adam, and I'm so glad that you had a chance to intervene with this person -- even if he eventually makes the decision, at least you'll have done what you could. Thank you for making those calls.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

At least we were able to do something for his family. I sometimes wonder how they're doing these days.

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Thank you for caring and calling and I really hope he has turned the corner.

[mollyc-q.livejournal.com]

You have done all of the right things and have sustained the others who are perceptive enough to realize this is a delicate situation and want keep your friend alive.. Hopefully, he will find his footing, this will pass, the larger situation will stabilize, your friend won't have to dwell in this emotional space and find his way out. The ex-boyfriend sounds like he might be in a bit of denial about how stark the situation is. I am relieved you are there for your friend.