![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Apr. 3rd, 2020 02:28 pm
Unproductive
There are a couple of reassuring memes aimed at folks in my position circulating on social media right now. One reads "It's okay not to be productive in the midst of a pandemic," the other "You're not 'working from home', you're sheltering at home while you try to get some work done." Viewing the situation that way does make me feel a bit better about my poor performance, but I wonder how much it's just letting me off the hook for being lazy.
I started this week with a routine that was working for me and a couple of work projects I was reasonably enthusiastic about. But after some early success, I was hit with a wave of ennui on Tuesday and stumbled through the next couple of days by promising myself I'd pull it out before the end of the week. Well, here we are at the end of the week and I've got very little to show for it.
Is this normal? Well, in the sense that depression is normal, and this is a situation that will trigger depression in a wide range of individuals. I try to perform the antidepressive behaviours that got me through Monshu's death--exercise, eating well, reaching out to others--but they're all less effective than before. For instance, getting myself out to the store for some fresh vegetables used to be a very achievable positive goal; now it's something to be avoided.
I'm still participating in as many virtual get-togethers as I can but I'm also finding them less rewarding than before. I don't want to just see my friends in tiny squares on a flickering screen; I want to see them up close, touch them, even breathe the same air as them. But that's what got us all into this mess, isn't it?
I worry about the permanent changes to come. Even if we do get a vaccine and it is safe and effective and easily available, will we really go back to the previous norm where leaving a bear gathering could take a half hour because of all the hugs and kisses and cuddles? Seems unlikely. Gay life never returned to what it was before the AIDS epidemic and it took decades of retrovirals to even get us close. Even supposing we defeat COVID-19 completely, there's the next plague to think about--and folks will be much more conscious of the threat this time.
I started this week with a routine that was working for me and a couple of work projects I was reasonably enthusiastic about. But after some early success, I was hit with a wave of ennui on Tuesday and stumbled through the next couple of days by promising myself I'd pull it out before the end of the week. Well, here we are at the end of the week and I've got very little to show for it.
Is this normal? Well, in the sense that depression is normal, and this is a situation that will trigger depression in a wide range of individuals. I try to perform the antidepressive behaviours that got me through Monshu's death--exercise, eating well, reaching out to others--but they're all less effective than before. For instance, getting myself out to the store for some fresh vegetables used to be a very achievable positive goal; now it's something to be avoided.
I'm still participating in as many virtual get-togethers as I can but I'm also finding them less rewarding than before. I don't want to just see my friends in tiny squares on a flickering screen; I want to see them up close, touch them, even breathe the same air as them. But that's what got us all into this mess, isn't it?
I worry about the permanent changes to come. Even if we do get a vaccine and it is safe and effective and easily available, will we really go back to the previous norm where leaving a bear gathering could take a half hour because of all the hugs and kisses and cuddles? Seems unlikely. Gay life never returned to what it was before the AIDS epidemic and it took decades of retrovirals to even get us close. Even supposing we defeat COVID-19 completely, there's the next plague to think about--and folks will be much more conscious of the threat this time.