Multifeeling

I suppose I haven't really developed the ability to feel multiple emotions at once but only become increasingly aware how much I do it. It's a gorgeous day, all blue skies and comfortable temps, and my dad is dying and both things are capable of affecting my mood simultaneously.

It's not news that Dad's health is failing. I have literally lost track of how many times he's been admitted to the hospital this year. But this last time was different because for the first time Dad himself seems to understand how dire things are. His PCP sent him home but he insisted on a second opinion because, according to his wife, "this is what his father was feeling before he died". She expected the diagnosis would be simply "anxiety".

But the cardiologist was unusually blunt. According to my sister, after doing a catherisation and finding Dad's ejection fraction at 20% or lower, he gave him "days or months". bunj isn't betting on the latter; he's booking a trip for this weekend. I was considering flying down already so I'll probably book something for this coming weekend of the one after and hope that's soon enough.

I've been pushing the idea of the end coming so soon out of my mind because I'm still not prepared to deal with it. Last year I begged the universe to give me a little while to assimilate the loss of Monshu before getting whacked by grief again. I guess you could say it's obliged. But the grace period is ending and it's time for me to figure out what that means for me.