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Nov. 9th, 2017 04:40 pm
HiBearNation, part 2
The two best parts of any bear run for me tend to be meeting interesting new people and reconnecting with interesting people I've met before, and this run had plenty of both. By pure chance, I ended up flying in with two Chicago bears I've each known as least 20 years. (By an even stranger chance--since one of them was scheduled to fly out the day before--I ended up flying out with them as well.) That was fun, but not as fun as asking a guy, "Have we met?" and realising we probably knew each other through the Chicago bear scene of the mid-90s and lost touch when he moved out to the burbs.
I only left with two phone numbers. One was a cute boy from Des Moines who I fooled around with in the pool but left me hanging and ultimately never texted me back. The other was a slim guy I had zero sexual interest in who I met while trying to seduce said boy and had a wonderful conversation with the next day at brunch. He sounded sincerely interested in touring where I work so I made a sincere offer to show him around on his next visit to Chicago.
I left with more FB friends, including at least one I never remember seeing, let alone talking to. But naturally some of the most attractive guys don't seem to do social media. (More credit to them, I say.) Like the middle-aged hairdresser I cuddled with at the baths. He drew me in with his smile and then won me over with his personality. His story about confronting one of his clients with the horrors of slavery in a very accessible way stood out all the more against the backdrop low-key racism including a discussion of restaurants in the locker room which degenerated into Chinese-serving-cats jokes.
And then there was the odd reappearance of Rubeus and ottr4bear.
I glimpsed the latter for the first time the first night. It shook me; for some reason, I had never considered that they might be on this run. I'd been girding for a confrontation over Mem Day Weekend which never came and living with a false sense of security ever after. I went back to the bar prepared on Friday, which was good, since seconds after arriving I nearly came face-to-face with Rubeus. I calculated that there was plausible deniability and pretended not to see him.
But with such a small event, these tactics were bound to only work so long. Saturday morning a companion and I traipsed to the most popular nearby brunch spot and there they were sitting outside waiting on a table. The conversation was polite and desultory; the Old Man was never mentioned. And within a moment they were taken in and seated. The same encountre was repeated at dinner, which took place in the hotel. This time it was I who was seated outside waiting to find out what was being served. Rubeus came up and chatted and they went in.
But this time something different happened: ottr4bear came back out and sat next to me. He apologised for the incident six years ago where he ripped into me like a piñata (again, as I discovered when hunting for their e-mail yesterday), expressed sympathy (without condolences, as if they didn't know he was gone), and ended with an offer to introduce me to his friends. Later that evening, ottr4bear and I chatted about music near the dance floor and Rubeus got handsy with me by the door.
It was like old times again, except nothing can ever be like old times again. It was good not to feel the anger I've been nursing unhealthily over their disappearance but it brought home all the more clearly the loss of trust. After all, if someone's turned on you once, what's to stop them from doing it again?
And the really bothersome question: Why now? They knew he had cancer. I told Rubeus three years ago. If there was ever an opportune time to come back into my life, that was it. There are others I've been estranged from but I kept alive a secret hope that maybe the news would bring them around; when it didn't, I knew that whatever connexion we had shared was well and truly severed. I put them in that category, and now here they are again almost literally trying to act as if nothing happened.
I guess the sensible thing to do now is leave the initiative to them (Rubeus just asked for all my contact information again--I never deleted his--and ottr4bear promised to invite me to their next shindig), respond positively if it feels right and simply ignore them if it doesn't. Sensible but not altogether satisfying. Every time I'd see them there'd be this great white elephant in the room with us. As with the demise of our friendship, nothing would ever get broached unless I made a point of it--which would make ottr4bear defensive, with more possibly explosive results.
This whole year has been about deciding where to put my limited energies: How much should go into promising new relationships, how much into renewing beloved connexions from the past, and how much into maintaining the solid friendships which kept me afloat last year. Each brings me something the others can't and a plethora of options leaves me indecisive.
But at least in this case I stayed in the moment, didn't cause a scene, and saw my anxiety dissipate into relative indifference. That's all progress that left me able to look back at the weekend with few regrets, only a few notions about how I might get more out of next time (whether that's this run or another one).
I only left with two phone numbers. One was a cute boy from Des Moines who I fooled around with in the pool but left me hanging and ultimately never texted me back. The other was a slim guy I had zero sexual interest in who I met while trying to seduce said boy and had a wonderful conversation with the next day at brunch. He sounded sincerely interested in touring where I work so I made a sincere offer to show him around on his next visit to Chicago.
I left with more FB friends, including at least one I never remember seeing, let alone talking to. But naturally some of the most attractive guys don't seem to do social media. (More credit to them, I say.) Like the middle-aged hairdresser I cuddled with at the baths. He drew me in with his smile and then won me over with his personality. His story about confronting one of his clients with the horrors of slavery in a very accessible way stood out all the more against the backdrop low-key racism including a discussion of restaurants in the locker room which degenerated into Chinese-serving-cats jokes.
And then there was the odd reappearance of Rubeus and ottr4bear.
I glimpsed the latter for the first time the first night. It shook me; for some reason, I had never considered that they might be on this run. I'd been girding for a confrontation over Mem Day Weekend which never came and living with a false sense of security ever after. I went back to the bar prepared on Friday, which was good, since seconds after arriving I nearly came face-to-face with Rubeus. I calculated that there was plausible deniability and pretended not to see him.
But with such a small event, these tactics were bound to only work so long. Saturday morning a companion and I traipsed to the most popular nearby brunch spot and there they were sitting outside waiting on a table. The conversation was polite and desultory; the Old Man was never mentioned. And within a moment they were taken in and seated. The same encountre was repeated at dinner, which took place in the hotel. This time it was I who was seated outside waiting to find out what was being served. Rubeus came up and chatted and they went in.
But this time something different happened: ottr4bear came back out and sat next to me. He apologised for the incident six years ago where he ripped into me like a piñata (again, as I discovered when hunting for their e-mail yesterday), expressed sympathy (without condolences, as if they didn't know he was gone), and ended with an offer to introduce me to his friends. Later that evening, ottr4bear and I chatted about music near the dance floor and Rubeus got handsy with me by the door.
It was like old times again, except nothing can ever be like old times again. It was good not to feel the anger I've been nursing unhealthily over their disappearance but it brought home all the more clearly the loss of trust. After all, if someone's turned on you once, what's to stop them from doing it again?
And the really bothersome question: Why now? They knew he had cancer. I told Rubeus three years ago. If there was ever an opportune time to come back into my life, that was it. There are others I've been estranged from but I kept alive a secret hope that maybe the news would bring them around; when it didn't, I knew that whatever connexion we had shared was well and truly severed. I put them in that category, and now here they are again almost literally trying to act as if nothing happened.
I guess the sensible thing to do now is leave the initiative to them (Rubeus just asked for all my contact information again--I never deleted his--and ottr4bear promised to invite me to their next shindig), respond positively if it feels right and simply ignore them if it doesn't. Sensible but not altogether satisfying. Every time I'd see them there'd be this great white elephant in the room with us. As with the demise of our friendship, nothing would ever get broached unless I made a point of it--which would make ottr4bear defensive, with more possibly explosive results.
This whole year has been about deciding where to put my limited energies: How much should go into promising new relationships, how much into renewing beloved connexions from the past, and how much into maintaining the solid friendships which kept me afloat last year. Each brings me something the others can't and a plethora of options leaves me indecisive.
But at least in this case I stayed in the moment, didn't cause a scene, and saw my anxiety dissipate into relative indifference. That's all progress that left me able to look back at the weekend with few regrets, only a few notions about how I might get more out of next time (whether that's this run or another one).