I don't know what's happening to my sleep. It's no longer that I can't drop off or that I wake up and can't fall back to sleep again. I used to wake up for the first time around 4 a.m.; now I'm just as likely to sleep through until 5, 5:30, or even later. But it isn't good sleep. I force myself to get up at 7 to start my routine when all I can think about is going back to bed. I take micronaps in the afternoon now, sometimes in a meeting, sometimes on my commute home, and sometimes I slip off to Periodicals for a bit.
One direct consequence of this is more dreaming. Mostly it's the typical jumble of work and travel anxiety or strange vacation and living arrangements, but last night's was a bit different. I don't even remember exactly what Monshu and were doing together, but I 'woke up' from that and I was in a conversation pit with longtime friends like![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
keyne and kcatalyst who were hatching a mad plan to head out and drive down or catch a redeye to a place called "Kindred City" for some demo or other. But I was thinking of the dream and fighting back tears, so I begged off much to everyone's disappointment.
And then I woke up for real. And for the umpteenth time it hit me that he's gone, that he's never coming back, and that these snatches of dream are the only real taste I'll have any more of what it felt like to have his constant active presence in my life. And before long, I was really fighting back tears and asking myself why the hell do I have to go into work oh right there's an event today that I helped planned and share responsibility for making succeed.
I've gotten used to the constantly drowsiness--I was already used to it this time last year--and it only really bothers me when I notice myself doing something I never remember doing before, like colliding with a doorframe or smacking my hand on something I always would have noticed and avoided. I also struggle to remember names and facts and references in a way I didn't used to before, but that could just be part of the natural process of growing old and forgetful.
One direct consequence of this is more dreaming. Mostly it's the typical jumble of work and travel anxiety or strange vacation and living arrangements, but last night's was a bit different. I don't even remember exactly what Monshu and were doing together, but I 'woke up' from that and I was in a conversation pit with longtime friends like
keyne and kcatalyst who were hatching a mad plan to head out and drive down or catch a redeye to a place called "Kindred City" for some demo or other. But I was thinking of the dream and fighting back tears, so I begged off much to everyone's disappointment.And then I woke up for real. And for the umpteenth time it hit me that he's gone, that he's never coming back, and that these snatches of dream are the only real taste I'll have any more of what it felt like to have his constant active presence in my life. And before long, I was really fighting back tears and asking myself why the hell do I have to go into work oh right there's an event today that I helped planned and share responsibility for making succeed.
I've gotten used to the constantly drowsiness--I was already used to it this time last year--and it only really bothers me when I notice myself doing something I never remember doing before, like colliding with a doorframe or smacking my hand on something I always would have noticed and avoided. I also struggle to remember names and facts and references in a way I didn't used to before, but that could just be part of the natural process of growing old and forgetful.