Dipping

Although it was a weekend with definite high points, it was a little rough overall. I started out pleasantly surprised with the quality of meals I was putting together for myself--what were you worried about, eating well isn't that hard! But now the initial enthusiasm has waned and I'm back to going days without seeing a real vegetable. I told myself I would do a big shopping this weekend and prepare some good ingredients (like vegetable broth concentrate for soups and such) and none of that happened. Yesterday was all cookies, canned food, and leftovers. Needless to say, I didn't do any work on financials either, apart from a brief look to see if my online draughts had gone through. And no repairs or deep cleaning either. At least laundry got done. And I didn't spend the entire time at home.

Saturday, in fact, I was out most of the day. Not at the Women's March--I couldn't deal with the thought of that kind of crowd scene. But I honoured a previous commitment to meet up with mollpeartree and princeofcairo on Devon for dosas at Mysore and a game night put together by Hildy, which I felt obligated to be at since I'd previously tried to recruit him for one at my place. It helped that it was gorgeous weather to boot. I walked the twenty minutes to Hildy's and ran into two acquaintances in the neighbourhood just back from the rally and flush with enthusiasm. It was infectious and I was so brimming with happiness I had trouble falling asleep.

All of that disappeared overnight. I woke up to a grey day and struggle to find reasons to get out of bed. Usually I have to play an evocative tune if I want to get my tears flowing for monshu. Not Sunday--just musing on his absence was enough. I moped around the house, not bothering to clean up until I was ready to go to bed. (I hate the feeling of being dirty in clean sheets.) I plugged my phone in to recharge and forgot about it, not seeing for hours that my sister had called nor calling her back even when I did notice. I ignored my e-mail, missing a chance to get together with one of my most persistently generous friends.

Is that was depression feels like?

So, yeah, maybe reality is finally starting to bite. I'm not sure how to respond except by continuing what I'm already doing--trying to set things up with friends when I feel high and forcing myself to follow through when I get low again. This week, I have gaming and a dinner out with the Scoutmaster, who I haven't seen in a couple years at this point. And then the opera on Saturday, and maybe dumplings for Chinese New Year. Meanwhile, I have a bad conscience about not starting to arrange the memorial service or cleaning up the financial mess, both of which will bite me in the ass if I don't do something soon. Wish I cared as much about not letting myself down as I did about not letting my man down.