Million Dollar Daddy

So there's this smokin' hot daddy who sits two rows behind us at the opera. Like me, he's right on the aisle, so it's pretty much impossible not to cruise him as I make my way up the narrow steps of the upper balcony, doing my best not to stumble as my gaze lingers on the neat triangle of hair at the apex of his massive perfectly-proportioned chest. Tonight, two things about him surprised me. For one, he wasn't in the company of the handsome young man I've seen by his side all season. For another, peaking out of the top of his breast pocket was a stack of million-dollar bills.


Tonight's opera, Puccini's La fanciulla del West, prominently features a gentleman bandit. So after months of trying and failing to come up with an opening line, I had one at last.

"Is it safe to carry all that money around with a bandit in the house?"

"Would you like one?"

"Sure, where did you get them?"

"Printed them off the Internet myself."

Now some of you have doubtless already guess the punchline here. For those of you who haven't, take a gander at the bill's obverse:


These phony bills are actually tracts printed by the Living Waters Ministry (Kirk Cameron's outfit). Just to make sure this wasn't lost to me, he said, "On the back it tells you how to get to heaven."

"Great! Thanks!"

I ran back to my seat and immediately showed the note to Nuphy, letting him discover its divine hidden message for himself. "Oh, jeez!" he exclaimed, and I went on to point out how this makes the fact that I'm been cruising this guy at every opportunity for the past four months even more unintentionally hilarious. (I mean, it's still possible that that woman with him tonight was a sibling or a friend rather than his wife, but it's really not the way to bet, is it?)