This one's for the homeboys!

bunj and I both spend an inordinate amoung of our workdays surfing the web and nothing catches our eyes among all the transvestite cannibal bestiality, murky Flash intros, or 404 errors like references to the Land of our Exile from 1980 to 1986. After all, they pop up in the most unlikely places--like today's Dining for a Dollar feature in The Onion. It's mildly surprising to find that there really is a Daddy Ray behind Daddy Ray's Fig Bars. It's positively jaw-dropping to find out that their "state-of-the-art" commercial bakery is located not three miles from where we used to play 'Pac-Man' and take-no-prisoners cutthroat croquet.

Reach out and touch yourself

It took a week of procrastination and hassle, but my splendid isolation has finally been definitively shattered. In the past 24 hours, I have used my brand-new cell phone to:

• Tell monshu that I love him
• Ask Nuphy if the only strength of vitamin A Walgreens had in stock met his needs
• Make plans for tonight with caitalainn

In my excitement, it's taken me a while to realise that I've been handed a poison apple. It was a super-generous gift, but now I don't see how I can get out of carrying the damn thing around everywhere I go. Plus, I can already feel my tenuous ability to make advance plans growing weaker. I still feel very self-conscious about babbling away in a public place, but how long can that last?

I won't recount the entire series of misadventures and misunderstandings involved in getting my service started, but it did take a half-hour service call to figure out that my account was already active. Still, as the consultant said at the end, "I had fun, you had fun". He probably meant it ironically, but it really was enjoyable. We established a rapport within minutes. ("You have very clear enunciation," he told me. "Been a long night?" I replied. "You can't imagine.") And we were both equally puzzled by the bizarre options in establishing my local service area. They were "Illinois-Newcastle" and "Illinois-Wabash". "Which is closer to you?" he asked, as if that were some kind of a meaningful question.

Before anyone asks, I've considered handing out the number here, but I don't want any FREAKS getting a hold of it. Call me at home and I'll call you with the new number. Those who already have it, distribute it at your discretion.