Mar. 19th, 2024 05:09 pm
Duck duck swan
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muckefuckI've come a long way in accepting my own desirability after something of an ugly-duckling adolescence, but even after years of compliments I still do struggle sometimes. I've been ghosted so many times at this point, that even when a hottie tells me in no uncertain terms he wants to be with me, I only ever half believe it.
This happened again just two weeks ago. An extremely attractive guy named Mac who's been hitting me up for a couple of months told me he had some time the beginning of the week and "I really hope to hang out and share some things with you." I was like, maybe it will happen, maybe not. And of course it didn't happen--when the beginning of the week rolled around, my texts went unanswered. Younger me would have been crushed; older jaded me wasn't in the least surprised.
So even though this big galoot from Kentucky who I've been crushing on for at least a year told me he was looking forward to seeing me this past weekend, I was like, "Sure, we'll see." And our interactions on Saturday seemed to bear that out. Yeah, Sidetrack was chaos, but even so he seemed to be paying minimal attention to me. He said he'd see me at SoFo later, but I never saw him there and he never told me he was going to Jackie's afterwards, I just ran into him as he was leaving.
Sunday I was my typical melancholy self, which a steady diet of trad Irish music was doing nothing to combat, so I didn't bother reaching out. Instead I distracted myself by going onto a hookup app (a whole post of its own) and chatting up a guy staying at the local hotel, trying to decide if I was up to a session. I mentioned this to a good pal of mind, joking that we should double team him, and he was like "Can I see a face pic?" So I asked him for one.
In a twist you all saw coming, it was the same guy.
So I invited him over after all. It wasn't all that I had hoped--I was anxious and overtired--but the cuddling was lovely. Afterwards I confessed my insecurities and he was very understanding. Because I'm sure he's been there to. Who hasn't at this point? I promised him next time he comes to town, there'll be no waffling; now we know what we're about and we'll get right to it. (Or we won't, because there ain't a damn thing that's certain in this world.)
This happened again just two weeks ago. An extremely attractive guy named Mac who's been hitting me up for a couple of months told me he had some time the beginning of the week and "I really hope to hang out and share some things with you." I was like, maybe it will happen, maybe not. And of course it didn't happen--when the beginning of the week rolled around, my texts went unanswered. Younger me would have been crushed; older jaded me wasn't in the least surprised.
So even though this big galoot from Kentucky who I've been crushing on for at least a year told me he was looking forward to seeing me this past weekend, I was like, "Sure, we'll see." And our interactions on Saturday seemed to bear that out. Yeah, Sidetrack was chaos, but even so he seemed to be paying minimal attention to me. He said he'd see me at SoFo later, but I never saw him there and he never told me he was going to Jackie's afterwards, I just ran into him as he was leaving.
Sunday I was my typical melancholy self, which a steady diet of trad Irish music was doing nothing to combat, so I didn't bother reaching out. Instead I distracted myself by going onto a hookup app (a whole post of its own) and chatting up a guy staying at the local hotel, trying to decide if I was up to a session. I mentioned this to a good pal of mind, joking that we should double team him, and he was like "Can I see a face pic?" So I asked him for one.
In a twist you all saw coming, it was the same guy.
So I invited him over after all. It wasn't all that I had hoped--I was anxious and overtired--but the cuddling was lovely. Afterwards I confessed my insecurities and he was very understanding. Because I'm sure he's been there to. Who hasn't at this point? I promised him next time he comes to town, there'll be no waffling; now we know what we're about and we'll get right to it. (Or we won't, because there ain't a damn thing that's certain in this world.)
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