BB and me

[muckefuck]

princeofcairo has always been fond of the aphorism, "Every story as a happy ending. It's all a case of where you end the story." And I think if we want the saga of me and BB to have a happy ending, we could find worse places to end it than last Saturday.

I've been thinking a lot over the past year about what it is I really want from him to determine whether my desires are realistic or not. And in the absence of a sexual relationship, what I've really craved is intimacy. Now, there are many forms that intimacy can take between two people, so I tried hard not to be too dogmatic about what that might look like in this case. Still, when I pictured it, it looked like him and me at his apartment consuming some kind of media and just feeling really comfortable in each other's presence--maybe even to the point of cuddling a bit, but at least feeling we could be relaxed and open with each other.

I got a glimpse of that last April when I invited myself over after we had dinner down the block and he put on K3G, one of his favourite Bollywood films, while I went through a stack of old photos his mother had given him and he filled me in on some of his early life. It felt like a promising start and a lot of the anger that came out on New Year's Eve was the product of resentment at how that early promise was never realised.

Well, last Saturday I came over to watch Children of men while he made us dinner. Afterwards he opened up about his anxieties more plainly than I think he ever has while I did my best to listen sympathetically. He allowed me to place a comforting arm on his shoulder. For me, however, probably the most reassuring aspect was that for once I felt like I had no real agenda. I wasn't trying to seduce him or get him to say certain words I wanted to hear or anything; I was just there to hang out and provide support, like any good platonic friend would.

Is this everything I ever wanted? No. Is it everything I can realistically have given who he is and what he wants? I think so. Is that enough to make this a rewarding and healthy relationship for me? Yes. Hopefully we'll continue to grow closer and, over time, the support will become less one-sided as his anxieties diminish. But that takes time and I'm not in a hurry.So this seems like as good a time as any to roll credits and shift our focus elsewhere.