Sep. 29th, 2022 05:24 pm
What I'm trying not to think about
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
muckefuckSo here's a couple things I'm trying not to let prey on my mind.
I've been know to say that "I don't do jealousy". For the most part this is true. I often feel envious of other people for various reasons, but I try to feel jealous of them. Jealousy seems to me a pure negatively emotion, one driven by pure possessiveness and that's not how I want to behave in relationships.
So it's especially frustrating to be confronting these feelings with--you guessed it!--BB. The most recent flare-up was occasioned by something that should have been amusing to me: I texted him last night to chat. He mentioned meeting a friend of mine, which mildly surprised me, since neither he nor this friend are much for going on, especially on school nights. He was cagey about how they met so I messaged the friend directly and he confessed that it was a Growlr hookup. (He happened to see my text come through and was like, "Hey, you know Da too?")
What I wanted to say at this point was, "Good for them!" They're both good guys and deserve to have a little fun. Instead, I found I had to avoid any concrete thoughts of the two of them getting busy together in order not to turn green. Compounding this all was the fact that I've felt attracted to the other guy but I hadn't pursued it because he's married and I'd seen no indications that the relationship was open. (Obviously if I were really attracted to him, I would have done more to find out.)
I've been struggling for months with feeling in some way entitled to BB's attention--including his sexual attentions--and it was annoying af to be reminded that, once again, I'm not where I want to be on this. I really don't know where this delusion of mine comes from. I think there might be some racial component, but that can't explain it all. Ironically, before I initially texted him yesterday, I was once again at a place of equanimity regarding him and this just threw that into the garbage. Anyway, I've invited them both to cocktails on Saturday (with their explicit knowledge), so that should be interesting.
The other thing I've been trying not to think about is Nuphy. His children have moved him into assisted living in Naperhell and though he's trying to be positive about it, I know he's not happy about it. He'd been warning me this was coming and now I'm kicking myself for not doing more to spend time with him before it happened.
I've been know to say that "I don't do jealousy". For the most part this is true. I often feel envious of other people for various reasons, but I try to feel jealous of them. Jealousy seems to me a pure negatively emotion, one driven by pure possessiveness and that's not how I want to behave in relationships.
So it's especially frustrating to be confronting these feelings with--you guessed it!--BB. The most recent flare-up was occasioned by something that should have been amusing to me: I texted him last night to chat. He mentioned meeting a friend of mine, which mildly surprised me, since neither he nor this friend are much for going on, especially on school nights. He was cagey about how they met so I messaged the friend directly and he confessed that it was a Growlr hookup. (He happened to see my text come through and was like, "Hey, you know Da too?")
What I wanted to say at this point was, "Good for them!" They're both good guys and deserve to have a little fun. Instead, I found I had to avoid any concrete thoughts of the two of them getting busy together in order not to turn green. Compounding this all was the fact that I've felt attracted to the other guy but I hadn't pursued it because he's married and I'd seen no indications that the relationship was open. (Obviously if I were really attracted to him, I would have done more to find out.)
I've been struggling for months with feeling in some way entitled to BB's attention--including his sexual attentions--and it was annoying af to be reminded that, once again, I'm not where I want to be on this. I really don't know where this delusion of mine comes from. I think there might be some racial component, but that can't explain it all. Ironically, before I initially texted him yesterday, I was once again at a place of equanimity regarding him and this just threw that into the garbage. Anyway, I've invited them both to cocktails on Saturday (with their explicit knowledge), so that should be interesting.
The other thing I've been trying not to think about is Nuphy. His children have moved him into assisted living in Naperhell and though he's trying to be positive about it, I know he's not happy about it. He'd been warning me this was coming and now I'm kicking myself for not doing more to spend time with him before it happened.
Tags: