Sep. 19th, 2022 12:30 pm
Right back in it again
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muckefuckI hate backsliding. I know it's part of every natural process of weaning yourself off anything but it's annoying and frustrating.
Yeah, this is another post about BB. Friday night he joined the rest of us for a bit on the SoFo patio and was showcasing the bitchier side of his personality, as he tends to do in situations like that. But then at one point he kind of apologising, throwing his arm around me and saying something about how I knew he really appreciated me, right? And instead of leaning into the moment, I did what I always seem to do and teased him about finally showing some genuine affection for a change, at which point he took his arm away and said, "I'll never do that again!" Then it was my turn to apologise but it was too late.
Shortly after, he moved to sit on a bench along the wall and all I wanted to do was sit next to him so I could feel him again me again. But I was trapped in conversation with a friend I hadn't seen in a while and, by the time I could get away, BB had decided he'd had enough of SoFo and was heading out to Cellblock. I felt so downcast I considered just going home but it had been a good evening up until then and I didn't want to end it on that note. So I stuck it out and things got better (then they got very weird, but that's another post).
The next day, I was poorly slept and emotional and grappling with the fact that despite everything I'm still in love with his dumb ass. I mean, not anything like I was before, but the gap between where I want to be with him and where I actually am is very palpable and painful. Nothing to do about it, though, than to keep doing what I'm doing--focusing on other relationships and approaching this one with as few expectations as possible--and keep in mind that it's working, despite moments like these.
Yeah, this is another post about BB. Friday night he joined the rest of us for a bit on the SoFo patio and was showcasing the bitchier side of his personality, as he tends to do in situations like that. But then at one point he kind of apologising, throwing his arm around me and saying something about how I knew he really appreciated me, right? And instead of leaning into the moment, I did what I always seem to do and teased him about finally showing some genuine affection for a change, at which point he took his arm away and said, "I'll never do that again!" Then it was my turn to apologise but it was too late.
Shortly after, he moved to sit on a bench along the wall and all I wanted to do was sit next to him so I could feel him again me again. But I was trapped in conversation with a friend I hadn't seen in a while and, by the time I could get away, BB had decided he'd had enough of SoFo and was heading out to Cellblock. I felt so downcast I considered just going home but it had been a good evening up until then and I didn't want to end it on that note. So I stuck it out and things got better (then they got very weird, but that's another post).
The next day, I was poorly slept and emotional and grappling with the fact that despite everything I'm still in love with his dumb ass. I mean, not anything like I was before, but the gap between where I want to be with him and where I actually am is very palpable and painful. Nothing to do about it, though, than to keep doing what I'm doing--focusing on other relationships and approaching this one with as few expectations as possible--and keep in mind that it's working, despite moments like these.
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