May. 28th, 2019 11:47 am
Cetera de more all over again
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muckefuckMy thoughts on the past weekend are scattered and diffuse. One that stands out is how odd it is how I can simultaneously feel so much like my younger self and so entirely different at the same time.
This occurred to me as I was preparing for bed last night, still too excited to sleep after a fairly stimulating weekend and a particularly solid day which incorporated the leather mart, Sidetracks, a tryst, and dinner with a good friend. I felt a nostalgic need to listen to something old and beloved before I fell asleep so I chose Depeche Mode's "But Not Tonight".
It's a song about finally having a really good day after a string of bad ones and I responded too it much differently when my emotions were more rollercostery. Last night it was just a happy tune to listen to with the lights off. Because my days aren't that bad. I had my moments of longing and regret over the weekend, but nothing like the heartbreak I used to endure. I basked in the positive attention I got but didn't attach any lasting importance to it; I treated indifference the same way.
A small part of me misses the exhilaration of the headrushy highs but I'm willing to forego them if it means less abysmal angsting. So while in some ways I still feel like the same excitable kid bouncing around from one new person to another, it's underlaid by the jaded confidence of an adult who knows that nothing is ever as good as it seems or as bad. Sure, I felt a wonderful sense of belonging the last day at Sidetrack. But everyone I was with (apart fromitchwoot, who'd paradoxically never met me in person back then) was someone who didn't know me ten years ago. In another ten years, I may or may not be greeting the opening of the summer social season on that same deck and the people with me may or may not be the same people as today.
This occurred to me as I was preparing for bed last night, still too excited to sleep after a fairly stimulating weekend and a particularly solid day which incorporated the leather mart, Sidetracks, a tryst, and dinner with a good friend. I felt a nostalgic need to listen to something old and beloved before I fell asleep so I chose Depeche Mode's "But Not Tonight".
It's a song about finally having a really good day after a string of bad ones and I responded too it much differently when my emotions were more rollercostery. Last night it was just a happy tune to listen to with the lights off. Because my days aren't that bad. I had my moments of longing and regret over the weekend, but nothing like the heartbreak I used to endure. I basked in the positive attention I got but didn't attach any lasting importance to it; I treated indifference the same way.
A small part of me misses the exhilaration of the headrushy highs but I'm willing to forego them if it means less abysmal angsting. So while in some ways I still feel like the same excitable kid bouncing around from one new person to another, it's underlaid by the jaded confidence of an adult who knows that nothing is ever as good as it seems or as bad. Sure, I felt a wonderful sense of belonging the last day at Sidetrack. But everyone I was with (apart from
itchwoot, who'd paradoxically never met me in person back then) was someone who didn't know me ten years ago. In another ten years, I may or may not be greeting the opening of the summer social season on that same deck and the people with me may or may not be the same people as today.Tags: