A big theme of my conversation with my sister was that she was expecting too much of me by demanding a lot of emotional support for her decision to be so deeply involved in my father's care when that was stirring very painful memories of Monshu's decline. And then it occurred to me to turn that around on myself and ask: Was I expecting too much of them?
And I think the answer is "yes". She made the point that most of the family hasn't interacted much with Monshu, plus he never visited for holidays, so of course they don't think of him around Christmas and they aren't going to be proactive about comforting me. So if what I want this year is to be around people who do remember him and will be willing to focus on my struggle to deal with his absence, it won't be them. It's a painful admission, but it's true.
It does ultimately come down to not understanding what it means to lose a spouse. When I tried explaining to my sister, all she could hear was my anger. When we got past that, she tried to find excuses, even going so far as to fault the Old Man for not spending more time with them. That made me stop and think.
Being home for Christmas won't help me process the loss of Monshu. It will help me escape it, like my last trip home to St Louis did. I'm not satisfied with that. I want to save the escape for another time. Right now I want to see if I can plunge into my grief and come out the other side.
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momijizukamori
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Date: 2017-11-29 11:13 pm (UTC)A big theme of my conversation with my sister was that she was expecting too much of me by demanding a lot of emotional support for her decision to be so deeply involved in my father's care when that was stirring very painful memories of Monshu's decline. And then it occurred to me to turn that around on myself and ask: Was I expecting too much of them?
And I think the answer is "yes". She made the point that most of the family hasn't interacted much with Monshu, plus he never visited for holidays, so of course they don't think of him around Christmas and they aren't going to be proactive about comforting me. So if what I want this year is to be around people who do remember him and will be willing to focus on my struggle to deal with his absence, it won't be them. It's a painful admission, but it's true.
It does ultimately come down to not understanding what it means to lose a spouse. When I tried explaining to my sister, all she could hear was my anger. When we got past that, she tried to find excuses, even going so far as to fault the Old Man for not spending more time with them. That made me stop and think.
Being home for Christmas won't help me process the loss of Monshu. It will help me escape it, like my last trip home to St Louis did. I'm not satisfied with that. I want to save the escape for another time. Right now I want to see if I can plunge into my grief and come out the other side.