Cetera de more

[muckefuck]

When Sis called Sunday, it had been nearly a month since we'd last talked, so a chunk of our conversation was about the contrast between what we'd thought we might get done during our confinement and how we're actually spending our time. She's doing more watching and less reading than she thought, but that doesn't surprise me because I always remember what mollpeartree said about watching the most television when her job was more exhausting, and keeping five boys busy in a twelve-room house has got to be pretty tiring.

I'm glad she reached out because I was--perhaps predictably--feeling pretty down. I saw other friends posting about family video chats and realised that, not only had we failed to organise anything similar, but that none of my family had reached out to me weeks. Right when things blew up, I called both mothers to check on them, plus my sister, and texted my brother, and that was the last I heard from any of them. I know we're pretty atomised, but I've long treasured how we pull together in a crisis. But not this crisis I guess.

Sis told me Mom is getting pretty restless, which hardly surprises me, and that she can't go anywhere because she let the battery in her car die, which surprises me even less. Our stepmom, at least, has neighbours to visit with. I know she's as thankful as I am that Dad isn't around for this mess; having him in a home right now would send everyone's anxiety through the roof.

The next day, I finally got around to checking my mail again. I don't expect much these days, but I had ordered a book from friends' shuttered bookshop in the hopes of keeping it afloat. I wasn't there but I found an unexpected package that turned out to be a handsewn mask from my SIL. I wore it day after for a walk with friends. I say a walk; what actually happened is that we rendezvoused on one street corner, went a block, and then made a loose pentagram while we yelled a conversation. Once we started getting chilly, everyone went their separate ways.

So I guess we're just going to see how long we can survive on this strange mix of online socialisation, phone and video calls, and kinda getting together but not really. Illinois is expecting the peak in hospitalisations to crest soon but it's not clear what happens after that in the absence of a proven course of therapy and testing regime, much less a vaccine.

Comments

ball of confusion

[brian_bogue]

adding to this is the fact that if you ask 10 "experts" you get 10 guesses as to how long it will take to get back to something approaching normal, how long it will take to get a vaccine, or even just how effective social distancing is. I had one of my clients today insist and even get mad at me because I called her on it when she insisted on getting into a very small elevator with me because she didn't want to wait for one that was going up when mine was going down

Re: ball of confusion

[muckefuck]

Yeah, the uncertainty is definitely the most frustrating aspect of the whole thing. I simultaneously feel like I'm both underreacting and overreacting. One of the things I keep trying to remind myself is that everyone is at a different stage of dealing with this mess and we all have pretty divergent underlying risk-assessment strategies anyway so reactions are going to be all over the map. I'm just going to have to be as tolerant as I can and keep reminding myself that, like me, everyone is just doing the best they can in exceptional circumstances.

[mallorys_camera]

I go from being pissy when people don't call me to realizing it would be easy enough to call them 'cause now is not the time to keep score. 😀

This will pass. And your life does have meaning. I, for one, enjoy reading your diary entries a great deal though I hardly ever comment on them, 'cause you know: We live such different lives.

[muckefuck]

Yeah, I guess one of the things that is afflicting me is a crisis of meaning. Most of my work satisfaction comes from interacting with my coworkers and that's simply not as frequent or as rewarding online. So what I'm left with is a lot of database cleanup and nagging questions about its value in a time when no one can access the bulk of the materials anyway. And most of my personal satisfaction comes from interacting with my friends where the same limitations apply. It should drive me to reach out even more through other means but it often perversely has the opposite effect.

Increasingly I'm wondering what will be left when this does pass. The longer this goes on, the less familiar the ensuing landscape, and I'm not sure how much drive I have to adapt to radically changed circumstances.

[mallorys_camera]

The New Normal will be very different from the Old Normal.  You can count on that.  😀

And somewhere in yr diary, you wrote that this whole shelter in place protocol is reminding you of the grieving process you went through when your husband died.  The grief you still feel because the other voice in your inner dialogue has been silenced.  So, you're probably being triggered.  (I do loathe that word, but occasionally, it applies!  😀)

Again, I will say:  Your thoughts and observations have meaning for me.  We've never met and are unlikely to meet, so you can imagine me acting as a proxy for the Universe here.  😀

This is a tough, tough time. But it's finite.