Retreat

[muckefuck]

I meant for today to be a day of accomplishment that would balance out yesterday's day of sluggery, but it didn't happen. I did finish another book, another classic film, and another load of laundry, but I didn't leave the house or speak to anyone besides my spouse. Tomorrow for sure! It's difficult to say for sure what's making me so listless. Certainly I'm doing a lot of brooding on account of monshu. Last fall's symptoms have returned as if he'd never had the debulking or the Sandostatin. Every time I hear him moaning in the bathroom, I die a little inside.

On this date last year, I wrote:

I just want to get away for a while. monshu and I haven't been on a vacation together since Toronto three years ago, and my last adventure without him was Arkansas with Dad around this time last year. I was really hoping to get abroad again--it's going on a decade since that happened--but maybe next year. (Pretty please next year?)

Well, it won't be this year either, not unless the oncologist has some other solution up his sleeve. And I fear if not this year, then maybe not ever. I don't want to think that way, but what can I do about it?

Comments

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're both going through this.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Right now it's more the dread of what's to come than the immediate challenges that are weighing on me. I keep telling myself this makes no sense--the only reasonable response in such a situation is to concentrate your efforts on enjoying what time you do have left together--but my heart just won't listen. Any advice would be deeply appreciated.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

Advice for making one's heart behave? Fresh out, I'm afraid.

All I can think of is practical stuff. Make/maintain as strong a support system as you can. Get a counsellor / therapist / whatever if your medical covers it, not to fix anything but so that you can vent safely and freely without guilt, when you need to. Organise your finances so that if you need to take complete control it can happen seamlessly and without financial penalties. Make sure everything is in both your names "jointly and severally". Don't put off doing things you enjoy together.

None of that is news to you, I know.

[grunter.livejournal.com]

You're not alone in dwelling on "the dread of what's to come."

Trust me.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

We should talk. Dinner sometime?

[grunter.livejournal.com]

Send me mail at: ChrisCCassidy@gmail.com

Let's get together for dinner.