Ask me again in another year

[muckefuck]

I know that I pay too much attention to anniversaries. In general, I live too much in the past--or too much in the future that will never be, anywhere but the present. Here it is, one full year after Ragoton threw up the Wall of Silence, and I'm still feeling the effects. And this is only the first in a series of similar anniversaries that will reach into next March.

The good side is that this hasn't made me stop wanting to meet new people. I keep putting myself out there--shrugging off small slights and acts of douchery as needed--and enjoying whatever warm vibes I get. The bad side is that I can really feel how much cynical I am. monshu says that bullshit like the Rubeus-and-ottr4bear affair are why he has "no expectations" of anyone. But I feel like I've gone from no expectations to expecting the worst. Every time I meet someone new these days that I really like, a nagging voice says So how long before you betray my trust?

I was confessing this to Blondie the other night and he replied, "Well, you know you can always count on me." And even as I told him yes I could feel that I didn't believe it. Even as I spoke those words, my nagging voice said, We'll see, won't we? Blondie! As he reminded me later in a text, I've known him as long as I've known Nuphy. Over sixteen years; he's my longest-standing friend among the bears. Sure, there were times in there where we went for months without talking, times when I know I pissed him off, but he's been trustworthy and forthright the whole time. Why can't I take his words at face value?

What I really remember about that conversation, however, is that what he pinpointed as my distinctive trait: optimism. He said that back when he was getting to know me and I would annoy him with my contrariness and argumentativeness he would ask himself, What is it about him that makes him do this? Is it immaturity? Naïveté? But he concluded it wasn't any of those. Even when I adopted a cynical view for purposes of argument, he could see through it. "Don't lose that," he told me. And I really don't want to. I want to think that no one I've ever loved is lost to me utterly, that where there's willingness on both sides, things can always be repaired. But I'm really not sure I'm capable of that any more.

Comments

[dorisduke.livejournal.com]

Ok then, what goes on, I mean why is there such activity in your life? What happens with your friends that brings such results? I have the same set of friends, about 20 years now and we still all seem to get along. But then I never expected anything from them, good or bad. When I do make a new friend and it runs its course it is never because of something between us, but rather circumstances such as relocation or something like that. So what goes on?

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

If I knew that, then I wouldn't be angsting about this.

There are some similarities between the five recent cases, but there are at least as many differences. (For instance, Ragoton I knew for less than a year; R & R I knew for more than a dozen when they first flaked out on me.)