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"You were supposed to love *you* first, you keep forgetting that part!"
So I confessed something to Clint recently. There are any number of projects around the house that I've been putting off indefinitely. I suppose they fall generally into two categories, dejunking and home improvements. Obviously these are interrelated, as a lot of improvements aren't possible until the area is cleared.
For a while, my excuse for kicking the can was that I wasn't sure how much longer I would be keeping my place. Why redecorate if you're not staying around? (Sure, "resale value", but that can be a chimaera.) But after four years of cohabitation, it's clear that I'm not going anywhere, he's not going anywhere, and if we're going to continue living here, it's worth it to fix it up.
Then I had to confront something else about myself. So I've long known that I'm extremely externally motivated. That's why it takes the prospect of, say, moving house to get me to actually sort through my stuff and decide what's worth keeping. And nothing in my life has ever motivated me like making a romantic partner happy. I don't think this is inherently unhealthy. My life has always been about leveraging others expectations to get me to do things I actually want to do but lack the motivation for. As long as you're honest that that's what you're doing, it shouldn't end up leading to resentment.
However, to work, it requires a partner who's willing to play along, and that's something I haven't had since Cam died. Clint's influence is limited; despite my willingness to treat as an equal when it comes to making decisions about our place, we both recognise that at the end of the day there's only one name on the lease.
Despite my poor track record, I still haven't given up on the prospect of finding a romantic partner who could fulfill such a role. Again, that's not inherently unhealthy. The dysfunction comes from the fact that, with no current prospects, this effectively offloads my impetus into an individual who may or may not ever exist in reality.
So where this leaves me is that I guess I need to figure out how to be my own partner. I need to look at my life through the eyes of someone who loves me and wants the best for me and is willing to do whatever it takes to make the person happy and fulfilled. How do I do this? That's the question I guess I'm going to be rassling with this year.
For a while, my excuse for kicking the can was that I wasn't sure how much longer I would be keeping my place. Why redecorate if you're not staying around? (Sure, "resale value", but that can be a chimaera.) But after four years of cohabitation, it's clear that I'm not going anywhere, he's not going anywhere, and if we're going to continue living here, it's worth it to fix it up.
Then I had to confront something else about myself. So I've long known that I'm extremely externally motivated. That's why it takes the prospect of, say, moving house to get me to actually sort through my stuff and decide what's worth keeping. And nothing in my life has ever motivated me like making a romantic partner happy. I don't think this is inherently unhealthy. My life has always been about leveraging others expectations to get me to do things I actually want to do but lack the motivation for. As long as you're honest that that's what you're doing, it shouldn't end up leading to resentment.
However, to work, it requires a partner who's willing to play along, and that's something I haven't had since Cam died. Clint's influence is limited; despite my willingness to treat as an equal when it comes to making decisions about our place, we both recognise that at the end of the day there's only one name on the lease.
Despite my poor track record, I still haven't given up on the prospect of finding a romantic partner who could fulfill such a role. Again, that's not inherently unhealthy. The dysfunction comes from the fact that, with no current prospects, this effectively offloads my impetus into an individual who may or may not ever exist in reality.
So where this leaves me is that I guess I need to figure out how to be my own partner. I need to look at my life through the eyes of someone who loves me and wants the best for me and is willing to do whatever it takes to make the person happy and fulfilled. How do I do this? That's the question I guess I'm going to be rassling with this year.