A house divided

[muckefuck]

So far, the chief lesson from the problems spawned by the change in how my Mom's family is handling their annual Christmas dinner is that we have a digital gap between the generations and it's only getting wider.

Over the years, it's gone from a big gathering a my grandparents' house to a travelling party hosted by each of their children in turn. Many years ago now, it made the leap from private residences to public halls and, as the guest list grew longer, Mom's siblings began pairing up in order to spread the expense. Now this year they're introducing a pay-as-you-go model. To secure a spot, you were supposed to mail a cheque to my eldest aunt last week.

I don't actually have any personal cheques any more. monshu pays most of the bills from a joint account and then I reimburse him via account transfer. My own bills, I pay online; on the rare occasions when I can't, the creditor will generally take a credit card over the phone. The last time I can remember needing to pay a private individual a sum that was inconvenient to carry around was when I had to reimburse Nuphy for my portion of the opera subscription. For that, I took advantage of a feature recently added to my chequing account which allows me to disburse funds to anyone with a valid e-mail address.

There were no e-mail addresses listed on the (paper) invitation, but I have one for one of the two contacts given. However, as she wasn't the aunt whose job it was to collect the cheques, I e-mailed first to ask if she had an address for her older sister. She got back to me (three days later) to let me know that our eldest aunt doesn't have a computer. Instead I'm literally using Dark Ages technology to pay her: My mother will go over there today, cash in hand[*], and I will repay her in cash when I see her next.

This comes on the heels of an ugly blowup shortly after the financial changes were announced. As far as I can tell, no one in my generation was consulted. Rather than inform us of what was being discussed, our mother's plan was to intercept the invitations and pay for us. But they got through[**] and my sister, surprised and dismayed, did what she reflexively does in these situations: She turned to her peer group for a dose of perspective. And, naturally, she did so online, via a Facebook post.

Before long, this got back to one of the organisers (obviously one who has a computer, as well as a Facebook account) and she basically blew a gasket. How dare my sister (who she all but called an ungrateful brat[***]) talk about a family matter in front of outsiders. Nevermind that my sister wasn't directly criticising the change, just pointing out that she was uncomfortable with the expense and wondering what others had done in similar circumstances. If she'd had concerns, she should've taken them to "someone within the family".

[There will be a brief pause for everyone to appreciate the irony of that.]

At some point during the exchange, our aunt had to consult with one of her daughters to determine that, yes, the whole conversation was publicly visible to any of my sister's Friends. In response to her concerns, Sis deleted the conversation and resigned herself to being "talked about at Thanksgiving". It's going to be interesting to see what the fallout from this is like at the party itself.


* She doesn't have any personal cheques either, but not because she doesn't use them. Rather she put off reordering until she'd already run out of them.
** Or at least some did. Despite the fact that I've been at the same address for over four years and my aunt asked for it again only a year ago when a wedding invite bounced, mine was once again misdirected and had to be resent.
*** She went on to point out that she was paying her offsprings' way, and that perhaps our Mom would do the same. And to mention that there was a "silent benefactor" willing to subsidise those who would be otherwise unable to come--as if there were any member of our extended family who wouldn't rather swallow hot coals than hit up a relative for the money to go to a festive dinner.

Comments

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Perhaps I should've said "Dark Ages method". I was conceiving of it as "personal courier carrying cash" without getting hung up on the mode of transportation.

Yeah, I can see both sides of the disagreement as well, but you really should've seen how over the top the response was. The cracks about her ingratitude went beyond the pale. Moreover, they laid bare the assumption that none of us had made any material contributions during those times when Mom was responsible for hosting. We've been "paying our own way", as it were, for years now--and why not, seeing as we're all adults?

That's another faultline here, a purely generational one not readily ascribable to technological change. The fact that the aunts and uncles didn't feel there a need to consult with any of our generation before they changed everything around (despite the fact that we outnumber them and are most inconvenienced by circumstances, being more likely to live out-of-town, work full time, and have small children) reveals how they think of us and our opinions. It's not surprising to find them more than a little defensive about having this pointed out, even obliquely; I'm sceptical how receptive they would've been to perceived criticism even if it was delivered in accordance with their personal preferences.

(And that's all it is--a preference. There's nothing right or wrong about discussing something on social media versus discussing it via a round robin of private phone calls. Both have benefits and disadvantages. It comes down mainly to what you're used to. But, again, that's not up for discussion because it would require recognising the habits of those who you've always felt comfortable viewing as your juniors as equal in validity to your own.)

[bunj.livejournal.com]

I did see the response, as I am also a friend of Sis on Facebook. Sure, the best way for Aunt to react would have been to send Sis a private email. Ironically, it didn't come off as airing family grievances in public until Aunt chose to take it that way and comment in an open forum. Typing a message alone on your computer is so intimate that one can often forget who can ultimately see what you post.* Aunt's response was the equivalent of overhearing a conversation in a crowded room and then shouting at Sis for all to hear.

I also agree that the whole handling of the situation shows a narrow-minded attitude on the part of the older generation: they see this as 'their' party which they invite us to. Honestly, paying for dinners could have been avoided if planning (and financial support) was officially opened to the younger generation as well. That creates some problems of its own, of course. It means more people involved in planning, and the only fair way to do it would be across nuclear families. Not everyone has the same number of kids (or kids at all), and not all of those kids are adults. As unpleasant as planning by committee can be, it would increase the chance of the tradition continuing.

By the way, I was just joking with my donkey cart crack. I knew what you meant, I just wanted to use 'donkey cart' in a post today. Now I've used it in two posts. Go me.

*I am well aware of the irony involved in putting this in an LJ comment.

[muckefuck.livejournal.com]

Yeah, as I mentioned above, she apparently didn't realise it was public until after consultation with her FB-savvy daughter. I know you see her posts, but your FB use is sporadic enough I thought you might've missed this one. (I didn't see it myself until after she'd left me a cryptic phone message.)

So if you've read her post, you know Sis' objection was more basic: Why does this have to be a catered sit-down dinner at all? Most families (her in-laws included) don't do that. You'd think businesspeople would be more attuned to the pitfalls of groupthink and failing to get buy-in from stakeholders.