At Gatwick airport some years ago I was called over for a pat-down. I showed my -- business-class? Bronze medallion frequent-flyer card? -- to the screener as he violated my personal space and said "These should qualify me for at least a cuddle afterward." Not a blink. "I'm on duty now, sir, but I can meet you at the King's Arms in Gatwick town three hours."

All the best offers pass me by.