muckefuck: (zhongkui)
[personal profile] muckefuck
[livejournal.com profile] bitterlawngnome OK, tell me all the things. Everything you wanted to talk about but didn't.
I know I brought this on myself, but that is one tall-ass order.

About a dozen years ago, there was an Incident involving this journal. In my entry, I mentioned in passing having sex with [livejournal.com profile] monshu. One of the Friends reading this complained, others jumped in to defend me, and it all got kind of messy. This all brought it to the attention of the Old Man, who was so mortified he decided he wouldn't come along to an upcoming get-together featuring several of the people involved. As I result, I resolved to avoid directly mentioning our sexual relations here. It seemed like a small price to pay for marital harmony, but at the time I couldn't foresee the turn they would take--how his prostate cancer would turn our sex life upside down, leading us to open our relationship (which had never been completely closed), and all the complications that engendered.

For instance, that whole sorry affair with le Ragoton? It was an affair, a Seitensprung which got out of hand. I think many people were able to read between the lines and see that, but because of my self-imposed restriction, I couldn't discuss any of that openly. Which meant, among other things, that I couldn't ever tell anyone how absolutely amazing [livejournal.com profile] monshu was about it. Naturally, he was hurt, but instead of reproaching me with his pain, he concentrated on soothing my much deeper distress. No one would knew about that would ever have wondered how I could've gone to the lengths I did to take care of him over the last couple years.

I ended up having to censor a whole important part of my life. I'd look with envy at [livejournal.com profile] thatdarnotter and his incredibly candid, explicit posts, wishing I could follow that example. But, apart from the brief existence of Bruizr, I never had a good forum online, one with people I trusted but which [livejournal.com profile] monshu didn't have access to. (In later days, I learned that he seldom logged in to read LJ, so I could be a bit more daring in friends-locked post. But I still followed the rule of never posting anything I wasn't prepared to have get back to him.) Now LJ is a ghost town and FB is the very last place I would think about discussing anything this personal and sensitive.

The other big thing I suppressed here was talk about issues with work. I mean, sure, I've complained a lot about issues with my workplace, but I've got more fundamental issues with the whole business of holding a job. Somewhere not too long ago I saw an article which asked the question, "Are you just roleplaying your job?" and I was like OMG YES! Because that is very much how I feel: I come in and pretend to work and I'm good enough at it that they really pay me. I'm ashamed by this, but not ashamed enough to stop doing it.

My lack of ambition has always been a disappointment to [livejournal.com profile] monshu. At some point, he must have made a conscious decision to set it aside since there was enough else he liked about me and the relationship. He was a terrific mentor and I know it can't have pleased him to see me stagnating as a paraprofessional while he watched his employees go on to bigger and better things. I wonder how things might have turned out differently if I'd ever had the courage to confront this contradiction head on, but it was a box of snakes I simply didn't want to open.

These aren't by any means "all the things", but those are the two really big ones. After all, sex, career--those are major components to most people's existence. For some, they even become their complete raison d'être, but I've never been in that category and I hope to keep it that way.
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